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HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Huron Signal, 1881-08-05, Page 6• i _DMA SIGNAL, FRIDAY, AUGUST r, 1831. Tr Site Poet's [tomer. trbdertahe at do that, 1 loll fttlt _ to the best of sty ability; bat stet The ■tanway few• ill, and I fear she will not reiNef." So the sentenoe was altered to, "for attendants upon my wife, kill or cure," he papal sigued , and delivered over to the physician. His skill was uuavailiug, and the patient died; but when the bill came in, the widower quietly 'repudiated the debt in tutu. In vain was it mike. seated to him that the doctor had hie legal acknowledgement; so the latter sued him for the amount, in perfect WU- fidence of gaining the day. The inner did not dispute the circumstances in court, but requested to see the docu- ment, which he then read aloud with great deliberation. "And did you cure my wife, air t ' he asked, glancing over his spectacles at the plaintiff. "No; that was ituposible," "Did you kill her r Verdict for the defendant. Doctor sold. The old sailing -ship yarn about the rolly-poly pudding might comp under this category. There was only one pas senger on board the vessel, who took his meals in the after -cabin with the captain and )nate, and who always suspected - not without reason it may be -that those two worthies defrauded him out of his due share of the eatables when they got the chance. One day a jam pudding or rollypolly appeared at dinner, jost enough for three; and the passenger who had a sweet tooth, was instantly on the alert to see that he got his fair 'and pro- per third. "Mr.----, do you like puddin'-ends, sir 1" the captain asked, with his knife poised in the sir ready to cut the delicacy. "No; I do not like ends, sir, "replied the passenger, who considered that he had as much right to the middle slice as any one else. "Ah, well, then, me and my mate does'" was the gallant commander's observation, as he cut the pudding in two, and deposited half on the mate's plate and half on his own. At a large hotel in Suffolk, the not un- common dilemma arose of there being only ono room in the house vacant when two visitors required accommodation for the night. It was a double -bedded chamber, or was soon converted into such, and the two guest --who were both commercial travellers -agreed to share it. One of these gentlemen was a con_ finned hypochondrite, and greatly alarmed his companion by waking him up in the middle of the night gasping for breath. "Asthma," he panted out; "I am subject to these epasmedic attacks. Open the window quickly; give me air !"e Terrified beyond measure. the other jumped out of bed. But the room was pitch dark; he had no matches and he had forgotten the position of the window. "For Heaven's sake be quick !" gasped the invalid. "Give*rase wore air, or I shall choker At length by groping wildly and upsetting half the furniture in the apartment; the window was found; but it was an old fashioned casement, and no hasp or catch was to be dis- covered. "Quick, quick; air, air'" im- plored the apparently dying man. Thus adjured, his friend lost no more time, but, seiking a boot, smashed eve.; pane, and the sufferer immediately experienced .great relief. "Oh, thank you; a thou sand thanks. Ha !" he eielaimed, draw- ing a deep sigh, which testified to the great comfort he derived; "I think in another moment I should ha' e leen dead !" And when he had sufficiently recovered, and had expremed h;s heart felt gratitude, he described the intense distress of thee. att;oks, and tete length of time he had suffered from them. After a while, both fell asleep again, devoutly thankful for the result. It was a warm summer night, and they felt no inconvenience from the be kap window; but when dayligiht relieved the pitchy darkness of the night, the window was found to be still entire ! Had invisible glaziers been at work already, or was the episode of the past night only a dream ? No; for the floor wM still strewn with broken glass. Then, as they looked round the room in amazement, the so- lution of the mystery presented itself in the shape of an antiquated bookcase, whose latticed glass doors were a shat- tered v eck. The spasmodically at- tacked one was cured from that moment. So much for imagination ! The humor of the situations in many old comedies and farces depends upon "sells" of some sort. Husbands make love to their own wives in disguise at masquerade*: one individual hears his character disparaged in the third person by another, who has no idea whom he is The bite of her hide was • dusky brown. Her body was leantnd her neck was slim: One horn turned upwind the other down, t4he was keen of . intim and Ioug u( 11mh. W ith a ltuutan nose and a short stamp tall And ribs like the hoops on a horse -made pail Many a mark did her body bear: She had been a target for all tbl known; tin many a scar the dusky hair 1�/ Would grow no more where 1t al/ti lead grown: Many a passionate, parting shot Had loft upon her a lasting spot, Many and many a well -aimed stone, Many a brickbat of goodly size, And many a cudgel, swiftly throws, Hail brought the tears to her bovine eyes; Or had hounded off from her bony back, With a noise like the sound of a rifle crack. Many a day had she passed in the pound, For helping herself to her neighbor's corn; Many • cowardly cur and hound Had been transfixed on her crumpled horn; Many • teapot and old tin pail Had the farmer boys tied to her time -worn tail. ()Id Deacon Gray was a pious van, Though sometimes tempted to be profane When many a weary mile he ran, To drive her out of his growing grain, Sharp were the pranks she used to play To get her fill and get away. She knew when the Deleon went to town; She wise)+ watched him when he went by; He never passed her without a frown Add an evil gleam in each angry eye; He would crack his whip in a surly way, And drive along in his' one horse shay." Then at his homestead she loved to call, Lifting his bars with crumpled horn; Nimbly scaling his garden wall, Helping herself to his standing corn; Eating his cabbages, one by one. Hurrying home when her work was done, Often the Reason homeward came, Humming a hymn from the house of prayer. . His hopeful heart in a trangi '1 frame, His soul as calor as the evening air, His forehead smoothes a well-worn plow, To find in his garden that highway cow. Ws human passions were quick to rise, And striding forth with a savage cry, With fury blazing from borth his eyes, As lightnings flash in a summer sky, Redder and redder his !ace would grow. And lifter the creature he would go. Over the garden, round and roc td, Breaking his pear and apple trees, Tramping his melons into, the ground, - Overturning his hives of bees. Leaving him angry and badly slung, Wishing the old cows neck sea. (wrung. The mosses grew on the garden wall; The years went by with their work and p'ay; The boys of the village grew strong and tall, .And the gray --haired farm•:re) passed away, '',One by one asthe red leaves fall. - But the highway cow outlived them all. 0 All earthly creatures must have their day, And some must have their months aadyesis, Some in dying will long delay; There is a climax to all careers; And the highway cow at last was slain In running a race with arailway train. All Into pieces at once she went, Just like the savings banks when they fail; Out of the world she was swiftly sent; Little was left but her old stump tail. The farmers' cornfields and gardens now Are has'-ttc•d no more by the hl^h way cow. Boase Amusing Sells. THB BILL 110,11 Mow N fuse N IM sotr,Iwsd en �bwed Trwtr. The insurance agent meekly approach- eth the editor, end presents re -print no- tices of prompt payment of loses by his c o;u,amy. "And ye might say I am a - In the eat days .4 Vie railroad 111 4eut for this company here. Things like this couhtry jNke l.,r'iw i.e eng"tee. was twat )nay be does a body good, yuu the master .ot the train, snys the Seta- mutes iteynhlinan• He 1.111 It 1114.Vi•4dO,g to Ala judgment, and the toodstter 1,8611 very little t'ite to the waltrr. ("salt, t ins( fares, superintending the l..ediie; and unloading of freight, sad ahewit Ing "All aboard ' were all that the cv'nel..c tor was expected to duo. The Brie n.it way was tben the New York & Erie tri road_ There was no rail connection with Jersey City to 1842. Boats c+'real passengers from New York t.. Pier11..•11I- on•the-Huds..n, which was then U.e eastern ter Ionia of the neat. Turners, forty set en pules front Nes York, nit,. aa far west as the railroad was in oper- ation t lne of the pi..ttewt conductor..., this hoe %vas the Lite Capt. Ayers. He ren the only tutu thea tape] fur be- tween the two terminal "tense, It was trade up of freight and pasaengrr tars. The idea of the engineer. without any knowledge of what was going on back 1.1 the locomotive, having his way as to how the train was to he run did not strike the captain as being according to the pro- priety of the thing. He frequently en- countered a fractious passenger who in- sisted on riding without paying his fare. As there was no way d signaling the en- gineer, and the passenger could not he thrown from the train while it was in motion, the conductor iu such cases heli no choice but to let him ride until a reg- ular stop was roads Capt. Ayers finally determined to in- stitute a new system in the running tof trains. He procured a stout twine, suf- ficiently long to reach from the l000mo- tire to the rear car. To the end of this string next the engineer he fastened a stick of woad. He ran the cord back over the can to the last one. He in- formed the engineer who was a German, named Abe Hamlail, that if he desired to have the train stopped he wiuld pull the string and raise the stick, and would expect the signal to he obeyed. Ham - mil looked up'in this itineration ai a di- rect blow at his authority, and when the train left Piettnont he cut the stick loose. At Turners he told Capt. Ayers that he prig -seed to ,fan the train himself, with- out y or. The next day he from captainnrigged up tis string and stick of wood again. "Abe," said he, "this thing's got to be nettled one way or the other to -day. If that stick of weed a not un the end Of this cord when we Ret to Turners you've gut to lick me or Ill lick you.- The ou.-The stick was not on the string when the train reached Turners. The captain pulled off his coat and told Hammil to get off his engine. Hamm) declined to )get 01I Capt. Ayers chimed to the en- gineer's place. Hammil started to jump off on the opposite side. The conductor hit him under the ear and saved him the trouble of jumping. That settled for- ever the question of authority ..n rail- road train& Hammil abdicated as auto_ cot of the pioneer Erie train; the twine and stick of wood manipulated by the conductur controlled the inanagement. This was the origin of the bell-mpe, now one of the most important attachments of railroad train& The idea was quickly adopted by the few roads then in open ation, and the bell or gong in time took the place of the stick ..f wood to signal the engineer. Capt. Ayers continued a conductor on this road under different managers until he was superanuated and retired on a pension a year ago. He died a few months ago in /swego, at the age of 78 year& "People who talk slang." said the late Mortimer Collins, "are those who either cannot or do not think;" and there is no doubt that he is right. We have so many - other 'contaminating influences creeping in daily and almost unavoid- ably to defile our "well of English," that the use of any gratuitous perversion of the language is certainly to be greatly depreciated. It nevertheless occasion - i dly happens that such a word by com- mon acceptation felicitously expresses the idea which itis intended to convey. "Cheat, surprise, mistake, misadventure, contrempts"-none of these denotes so vividly as "sell" that combination of circutplstances resulting in discomfiture to sante tine. Tho following are a few examples of sells proper, which, it must be bogne in mind, are not ape t from that vulgar turn of practical joking which is termed hoaxing. A soldier wishing to get his discharge, shammed ileafuess so successfully that all the medical filen who examined his caw were deceived by him. No noise, however sudden or unexpected, had any power to disturb his equanimity; and he hdd acquired snch perfect control over his nerves, that a pistol fired over his head when he was ttsleop did not- ap- parently -wake Lim. Grave suspicions as to the genuineness of his malady were entertained, notwit hatanding. Like most malingers, he was a little too clev- er and complete. Still, it secme.l im- possible to catch him tripping. A final examination was mads; the doctors ex- pressed themselves satisfied; and, the soldier was presented with his certificate of discharge. Outside the door, he met —h comrade, who whispered "Have you got it?" with an appearance .1 eager in- terest. "Yes; hero it is'" was the un- painted reply. But the certificate, though 1.11ed m, we. n"t sigmP11, and the nialingner was a sold man. Bowie time ago, a very amusing '`tell" was worsted in the pages ..f • magazine. A Tdfrician Nein; snmmo•ned to attend a miser's wife in her last illness, declined to continue his visits unties he had some legal guarantee for payment ss. he knew 1.{ experience the alipi.ery character of the hind -and where pecuniary obligations were cencernexl. The miser thereupon draw up a do.cumeot, formally pr,mising after hailing over the amount, that he would pay t. Dr Roo An.i in the sum of f , "if he cures my wife ' sato, .iw'1 the doctor. 1 cannot An invitation to 'Come down and write up our establishment' is a great deal more common than a two -square "ad" from the salve tins. Newspapers must be tilled up with something or other, ve•u know, ':he lawyer, with strong prejudices against advertising, is fond of seeing his oases reported in full iu the newspapers with an occasional reference to his ex- ceedingly able manner of conducting the name. It is cheaper than advertising. Ir. fact everybody who has an axe to eiind, asks the newspapers to turn the crank, forgets ever to say thank you, but will kindly take a free copy of the paper AS part pay for furnishing the news. The press being "free," all hands stein hound to get aboard and ride it to death. This is why newspapers are so rick that they can afford to pay double price for white paper and never ask par- liament to aid them by removing the duty on wood pulp. -[New Haven Re- gister. • Tan LaoIAaD Some Pbsf,lsatite Co's Reprint of the British Quurteriy Review for July, has just been republished. Moat readers will turn immediately to the long paper entitled, "Carlyle and Mrs. Carlyle: a Ten -Years' Remin- iscence." Tho author, Henry Larkin, was long associated with Carlyle in his works; and gives. in these pages, the story ..f their "intimate personal connex- ion" simply, frankly, and faithfully. He trusts that "no one will rise from its perusal without feeling that he has learned to know Carlyle better for it." Many letters of general interest, both from Mr. and Mrs. Carlyle, are quoted. The writer characterizes the lately pub- lished "Reminiscences" as the distem- pered nightmares of a sorrow -stricken heart; and hopes that the story of his own personal experience will present Carlyly in hit. own better self. The paper on "The Revised Version of the New Testament" is by John Gibb. Af- ter dise'i..ing the main defects of the work, the work, the writer expresses his sense of the high value of this version, which is "an honor to the scholarship of our time, and a gift of real value to the Christian Church. Taimera �tterition Barbed t'eaos Wire contraeled fon In any quanUty at very lowest priors. I SELL EITHER 2 0 4 BARBED FENCE WIIE. Wire and barb galvanised atter being twisted whish owaot sole off. The Barbed Wire for Fences. NO SNOW DRIFTS NO WEEDS NO WASTE LANDS. Fur sale by G. H. PARSONS, CHRAP HARDWARL OODIRICS. 1779 , A FREE PRESS. Mee at Its Ids antagl s Traw.lat/d. The 1)esutitul ides of getting something for nothing is nowhere more readibly traceable than in a newspaper office. Si much has been spoken, written and sung about a ''free press," that peo- ple have come to accept the term its senses althosether too literal. If a man has a scheme of any kind germinating, he just steps into the edi- torial room and details it, with the re- mark, "I'm not quite ready to advertise yet, but a few words will helpme He gets a few worlsand never gets ready RESTORING GREY HAIR to advertise. TO ITS NATURAL COLOR. Two tickets admitting lady and gent to the "G. R M. T.'s grand tall," and expected to produce a twenty line load and a quarter of a column leeeription 01 the ladies dresses after the hall is over. Church fairs and the like are worse addessing; or the villain unwittingly se than hallo. They never learn ticket, 0 111 leets as his accomplice the man against but always want a good puff beforehand whom his machinations are directed. free of charge. SDON'T FIORD='=1 THAT E. DOWNINGS. is the place for FIRST CLASS BOOTS AND SHOES. »Boots and Shoes repaired and made to order. s Weather Predict's-s. The following are Vennor's predictions for August: - -August 1st -Probably warm and op- pressive. 2nd and 5th -Generally pleasant weather, fair warm days, and cool to cold evenings and nights. 8th -Fair and pleasant. 7th (Sunday) -Heat and storms. 8th and 10th -Sultry weathers with heavy showers. Cooler evenings and nights. llth and 13th -Heat again in the, United States. with cloudy and sultry weather; storms in Canada. 14th (Sunday) -Cooler change. 15th -Cooler to cold and cloudy and pleasant. )lith -Storms throughout portions of Virginia. 17th and 18th-Hailatorms and frost probably in some portions.• lath and 20th -Heat and storms. 21st -Sultry and showery. 22nd -Sultry and windy. 23rd and 24th -Heat and wind. 25th 26th -Heavy storms on the lakes, on the St Lawrence and around New York. - 27th and 29th -Cooler weather, with rains and frosts in the notthern election. 30th and 31st -Fair and pleasant weather. with cool evenings and nights, with indications of returning heat. Although no soldiers desire a flogging yet they all hanker after stripes. CINGALESE HAIR RENEWER SPECIAL BARGAINS. R=IcSt S=_ are offering some Special Bargains in Dress Goods, Prints, Skirtings, Denims, Ducks, Table in ens, White and Grey Cottons. PRINTS_ -Fast Colors. from Sc. per yard up. BLACMC CA8333MMIR _-ipecW Make. without exception the best maks in town. COTTON BgIRTING8_-Fstra Value, from lSlc. ape TWE$.I)S_-Pine Selection in English. Scotch and Canadian Sults made to order in l trot Class Style fur 510, 512 514, Wand 518. All cloth bought cut out tree of charge. REID & SNEYD, Manchester House, Goderich. The r,1w-ning gory of men fir women Is beautiful HEAD Or HAIR. This can only be ob tained by using tIltGALEAR. which ha - proved Itself to be the BEET IIbIP RICEll'INDFLICR in the of the hair. t. renders motes a healthy growth soft and silky, strengthens its roots, and pt vent its falling out, and acts with rapidity Tr it befnr .using any other. Sold h al oleatwtets. Prieee 50 eta. a bottle. 1761.17 For Sale by' J. tt-1LQON, Druggist, True is her Trost. Ton much cannot be said of the ever - faithful wife and mother, constantly watching and caring for her dear ones, never neglecting a single .tuty in their behalf. When they are assailed by dis- ease, and the system shnnld have a thorough cleansing, the stomach and bowers regulated, blond purified, mala- rial viten extemmneted, she must know that Electric Bitters are the only sore remedy. They are the hest and purest medicine in the word. and only cost rro centii gold by all druggist*. A Ran Frannie, Editor ssye that when he thinks of Ireland's wow hi. heart goo. Pete Pio A medical nun thinks that C O. Plas- ter dressed the wounds with great skill, would he a graceful way of stating it,and besides it is unprofe si.onal to advertise. The patient rat -trap man brings in one of his combinations .1 wire and monldy cheese hait, sticks it under the editor's nose and explains how they catch 'eon every time the spring works "it's something o.1 interest to the community. and if yuu pet in a piece save me admen papers,' which he 9nietly walks off with, as though he had bestowed a favor in allowing editorial epee in gas' nn mak a marvel eof intr•itites The nett, MacUii c, and Marquette Railroad Company NOW OFFER.FOR SALE OVER 1,300,000 ACRES Of the Choicest FARMING and TIMBERED LANDS in the Northern Peninsula of Michigan, Destined to be the best wheat -producing region In the world. These lands are tasted in the counties of Chippewa, Mackinac. Schoolcraft and Marquette. and embrace many thoands of acres of the best agricultural lands in the State of Michigan_us Among those to the counties of Chippewa sad Mackinac are tracts of what are known as the "burnt or cleared" lands. These lands offer many advantages over the prairie lands of the West, as the timber lands adjoining insure a supply" of fuel at little Dost. The soil beinngg a rich clay loamof great depth. The timber remaining upon the land being generally=nmcient tor the settlers' use in building and fencing. . These partially cleared lands are now offered at the low prtoe of from ;1 to 14.10 per acre. one-fourth cash, and the remainder at purchasers' option. at any time within nine years. with interest payable annually at seven per cent. Honda are being opened through these lands, and no better opportunity has ever been offered to men of small Means to secure a gond farm. and Intending purchasers will be wise by availing themselves of this chance before prices advance, as the lands are being rapidly taken and settled upon. The lands more Immediately on the lone of the Detroit, Mnekinae, and Marquette Railroad from the Straits of Mackinac to Marquette are more heavily timbered. snd are almost univers- ally good agricultural lands, leaving splendid farms when the timber Is removed. The iron and lumber interests of the upper peninsula are of such magnitude as to call tor all the eharooal and lumber that the timber and wood upon the lands will produce -this will enable the settler to make good wages while clearing the land. Lumber Mills and Charcoatilsilns win be built at rations points along the line. and Furn- ace. are now being erected along the line of the road at Point Rt. The great demand and good prices for labor. both in winter summer, make these lands particularly desirable as homes for the poor man. The lands adjacent the Railroad are offered at prices from 55 upwards, according to %cation. value of timber. etc. The lands are at your very door, and are being rapidly settled by Canadians. For pamphlets. maps and other information, address. W. O. STRONG Land Commissioner, 178 4. 30 Newbery sod 1<IoMWaa HaiMie& Detroit, Michigan. :Va i7 lea gig E 3P • e e e •1 Eli�e it it MSS TOMO, fpw isttsorr, Yrctt.. and ';Droops. Or • G. C. ROBERTSON, FABT 8T1=21E1DT, JUST RECEIVED' A LARGE STOCK ' WE PAPER! G r e en Window Paper ! Carpets taken up and Relish'. Oil Cloth Laid. Hair Mattresses made over, and all kinds of Repatriatedone. Pictures Framed as Cheaply as ever. 9%,C'halre Reoaned. ROBERTSON'S VARIETY STORE. • Merchant Tailoring) HUGH DUNLOP, The freebie able Tailor. 1• new in a position to execute ail orders he may M favored with, la THE LATEST SPRING AND SUMMER STYLES. ON HAND, A CHOICE ASSORTMENT OF TWEEDS, WORSTEDS, ETC. arca and pee nor Floods Hugh Dunlop, Fashionable Tailor, West -St.. Goderich.