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HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 2009-04-23, Page 5THE CITIZEN, THURSDAY, APRIL 23, 2009. PAGE 5. Bonnie Gropp TThhee sshhoorrtt ooff iitt Green grass It is so pleasant to come across people more stupid than ourselves. We love them at once for being so. – Jerome K. Jerome Ithink Mister Jerome might have been thinking of his parents when he delivered the above remark – how bright is it, after all, to saddle your kid with a name like ‘Jerome Jerome’? Nonetheless, the symmetrically monikered Mr. J. makes a good point: it is always bracing to encounter someone dumber than oneself. Me, for instance. Want to hear the stupidest thing I ever did? Was it the time I told the cop who’d pulled me over that I was going too fast because I had brand new brake pads and I didn’t want to wear them out? Nah. Was it the time I asked my boss’s wife when her baby was due? And found out she wasn’t pregnant? Close, but, nah. Nope, unquestionably the most bone-headed thing I ever did was…. But hey – why waste time on amateur stupidity? Let’s check the Professional Idiot file – AKA the Darwin Awards. The Darwin Awards have been around for about 25 years. They are named in honour of the evolutionary giant Charles Darwin, best known, perhaps, for giving us the phrase ‘survival of the fittest’. The Darwin Awards acknowledge the mirror corollary to ‘survival of the fittest’ – namely ‘extinction of the fatuous’. Once a year, some anonymous wag unleashes the moron ferrets to hunt down and bring back the name of he or she who has perpetrated the dopiest endeavour of the past twelve months. In other words, and not to put too fine a point on it, the Darwin Awards are dedicated to the stupidest people in the world. There are five criteria one must meet in order to be eligible for a Darwin Award. Number one: a winner has to be an adult and not diagnosed as mentally defective. Number two: the exploit itself must be outstandingly stupid. Number three: the feat must have been perpetrated by oneself on oneself. Number four: it must be verified by independent authorities. And finally, to win a Darwin Award, the candidate must be dead – or at least sterile. It would not be promising for the human race if Darwin Award winners could reproduce. What sort of people win Darwin Awards? Well, in past years we’ve had the Brazilian who used his Bic lighter to look into a fuel tank. There was the American action photographer who leapt out of an airplane to photograph sky divers in action. Remembered his camera; forgot his parachute. There was the Croatian hand grenade juggler, the Irish workman who took a cigarette break in an explosives warehouse, the Toronto executive who demonstrated his unbreakable 20th storey office window by running across the office and slamming his shoulder into it. Wasn’t that unbreakable. For 2008 the Darwin Award went to the Reverend Adelir Antonio di Carli, a Catholic priest in Brazil who filled 1,000 balloons with helium, tied them to his lawn chair and launched himself off a cliff in Brazil. Not to worry; he had a GPS system. Oops – sorry. He forgot to learn how to use it. They recovered his body in the Atlantic Ocean three months later, The Reverend narrowly edged a chap in Italy whose new Porsche Cayenne stalled on the railroad tracks and would not start. In desperation, the driver got out of his car and ran down the tracks waving at an oncoming express train to stop It didn’t. Reminds me of the joke about the fellow (again in a Porsche) who drove into a tree at high speed demolishing his car and ripping off his left arm which had been dangling out the window. A policeman found the man distraught, leaning against what remained of his car and sobbing disconsolately “My Porsche! My beautiful Porsche!” “Idiot!” the policeman growled, “You’re complaining about a lousy car when you’re entire arm has been torn off!” The driver looks at his empty sleeve, gulps, and wails “My Rolex! My beautiful Rolex!” Arthur Black Other Views Stupid is as stupid does What is a Liberal? People are wondering because Premier Dalton McGuinty seems to be moving in so many different directions at once. In almost a single breath in his recent budget the Liberal premier harmonized some Ontario with federal taxes, which suits most business, increased benefits for poorer children, eased corporate taxes, offered families $1,000 each compensation, then mused he might delay raising the minimum wage. The premier appeared to be all over the political map and has prompted speculation on what being a Liberal is. McGuinty rarely philosophizes on what he does, but said recently on economic issues the Progressive Conservatives complain he is too far left and New Democrats he is too far right, so he must be doing something properly. The last Liberal premier to ruminate on this topic was David Peterson, who boasted two decades ago on a visit to the United States, perhaps hoping he could get away with it there, Liberalism is “by far the finest political philosophy the world has yet evolved.” Other parties did not see it the same way and the New Democrats, the only party that regularly commits all its philosophies to paper, particularly tried to straighten him out. Bob Rae, who later defeated and succeeded Peterson as premier, defined a Liberal as “someone who does not know how to be embarrassed.” Howard Hampton, who followed Rae as NDP leader, suggested a Liberal is “someone who campaigns from the left and governs from the right” and finance critic Floyd Laughren suggested a Liberal is “a person who has his mind open at both ends.” Elie Martel, another New Democrat, said a Liberal is “someone who can be anything he wants to be at any time and depending on where he is.” Another assessment going the rounds was “a Liberal is someone who will shake your hand before an election and shake your confidence afterwards.” Peterson went on to argue Liberalism is “all about freedom and justice.” He said Liberals feel an obligation to provide an environment in which people are guaranteed real freedoms from oppression, poverty, sickness and unemployment. Conservatives, he said, also want freedoms for individuals, but simply through having less government, so the weak and vulnerable get trampled. Peterson said the NDP wants to turn to government to solve every problem, while the Liberals feel government should intervene only where the private sector is unable or unwilling to take actions needed in the public interest. Peterson summed up by saying Liberalism is compassion, sharing and caring, but his party in government has not always lived up to this. Under Peterson, one child in seven in Toronto was fed through a food bank and he increased the provincial sales tax, which fell harder on the poor. Peterson also was defeated partly because he spent too much time in tuxedo and crimson cummerbund at theatre first nights and was accused, in a common phrase of the day, of living a “lifestyle of the rich and famous.” The McGuinty Liberals also are not always compassionate and caring, although they have brought in more laws to protect residents from dangers including smoking, traffic collisions and vicious dogs than any previous government. But, to cite a couple of recent exceptions, McGuinty privately told business, which was a receptive audience, he might delay a commitment to increase the minimum wage to a still measly $10.25 an hour next year. When news media found out, he explained he had been musing aloud and the minimum wage hike would go ahead as planned. The premier also has defended a policy of providing information to parents that will enable them to avoid sending their children to schools with the lowest marks and most students from low-income and immigrant families. The Liberals ironically won the 2007 election opposing funding more faith-based schools on the ground this would group students in schools based on religion, when they should be educated together, not divided. Liberals can be as flexible as elastic. Eric Dowd FFrroomm QQuueeeenn’’ss PPaarrkk Rows of chairs lined the flat grassy expanse offering the closest proximity to the stage. It seemed perfect in theory. But on the practical side, the relentless sun seared skin, the sticky air suffocated. At the edges the parkland lifted in slight inclines. There, people loafed on blankets or sat relaxed and cool under the shadow of shady maples. The compromise of comfort over closeness to the action began to make sense and the couple made the move to the slopes. It wasn’t long, however, before they noticed that the new location provided an even more limited view of the show than they would have thought. And then with the afternoon fading, the air cooled until they looked longingly back at the area warmed by the burning sun. The other man’s grass... Some time ago, a person referred to me as a “grass greener on the other side of the fence” girl. My first reaction was mild irritation that someone who is not a familiar would think they know me enough to offer a comment on my personality. Then it kind of amused me because really aren’t we all? Everyone thinks the grass is greener somewhere at some point. It’s just that most of us are only too well aware that view only lasts until you get there. When I was a child my big sister was everything that was right to me. Every step she took that I knew and saw seemed the wise one. She was a role model who seemed to have it all perfectly in place, and it was her life I hoped to emulate. She was also, therefore, the one I turned to when things weren’t in place for me, which in my younger days was fairly often. I would call, moan, groan, whine and seek comfort and advice. She would listen, soothe, sympathize, guide and advise. Until one day. As I began my usual diatribe on what was wrong with my life, I was surprised to be interrupted by someone (was that irritation I was hearing?) on the other end of the line. “Do you think my life is perfect? Do you think for one minute that I don’t have problems, that things are always just the way they should be?” Well, my first thought was yes, that was exactly what I thought. You can therefore imagine my shock to learn that the grass wasn’t any greener in her world some days than it was in mine. It was something I have remembered every day of the several decades since. Which is why I won’t agree with that acquaintance’s assessment of me. Sure, like everyone else I have looked and wondered. Sometimes when I first consider something it does seem that the sun is shining a little brighter in that place than here. For instance, I’ve thought it might be nice to have Donald Trump’s money. I’ve thought too it would be great to live in a fine, fancy house. But then I thought again. It’s no secret that the more you have the more there is to worry about. And that mansion looked less attractive when I pictured myself alone in it. Or cleaning it. I have envied the teachers’summer holidays, but know I don’t want their job. I have admired the ‘perfect’ family, but only as long as it took to remember that what they might be most perfect at is keeping the flaws private. However, you can’t always be sure. Sometimes where the grass looks greener you just have to take the chance and move there. Otherwise there could be an opportunity for improvement that you let get away. So, am I a grass greener on the other side of the fence girl? Maybe, But only when it’s worth the risk. What is a Liberal? People wonder. Letters Policy The Citizen welcomes letters to the editor. Letters must be signed and should include a daytime telephone number for the purpose of verification only. Letters that are not signed will not be printed. Submissions may be edited for length, clarity and content, using fair comment as our guideline. The Citizen reserves the right to refuse any letter on the basis of unfair bias, prejudice or inaccurate information. As well, letters can only be printed as space allows. Please keep your letters brief and concise.