HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 2009-04-02, Page 5THE CITIZEN, THURSDAY, APRIL 2, 2009. PAGE 5.
Bonnie
Gropp
TThhee sshhoorrtt ooff iitt
And counting
M arge, you being the cop makes you
The Man…which makes me the
woman. I have no interest in that,
besides occasionally wearing your underwear,
which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort
thing. – Homer Simpson
Ah, yes…underwear. AKA skivvies, BVDs,
gotchies, drawers, frillies, woollies, scanties,
briefs, step-ins and unmentionables.
Homer Simpson isn’t the only soul whose
knickers can tie him up in knots. Consider the
tragic-comic plight of Joseph Espinoza and
Joaquin Rico.
Not exactly overachievers, Messrs Espinoza
and Rico. Their primary mission that Saturday
evening was to hold up a Denver convenience
store and avail themselves of whatever was in
the cash register.
Being, as the phrase goes, ‘known to police’
the duo wisely reasoned that disguises might
be in order.
“Aha” light-bulbed Joaquin. “How about we
put underwear over our heads?”
Not as stupid as it sounds, actually. Many a
hold-up artist has successfully distorted his
facial features by wearing a nylon stocking or
even pantyhose over his head during the
commission of his crime. Alas, our bandidos
had neither, so they improvised.
They hit the store, intimidated the staff and
got away with about $100 cash and 37 packs
of cigarettes. But it wasn’t long before they
were identified and arrested. Their disguises
hadn’t been that successful. They’d robbed the
store wearing underwear on their heads alright
– Joaquin wore green; Joseph opted for blue.
Unfortunately the desired masquerade effect
was not forthcoming. The boys had chosen to
wear…thong panties over their heads.
Poor Joaquin and Joseph – victims of their
cultural times. If they’d been pulling heists in
just about any other age, underwear disguises
wouldn’t have been an option. Cleopatra didn’t
wear panties. Cicero, pontificating splendidly
in the Roman Senate, had nothing on beneath
his toga. Genghis Khan, marauding across the
Asian Steppes rode bareback in the strictest
sense of the word.
Humans didn’t get serious about under-
thingies until the late 19th century, when a
sadistic quack by the name of Dr. Gustav Jaeger
came along advocating the health benefits of
wearing coarse, undyed wool next to the skin.
This was in Britain of course. Where else
could the idea of wearing something hot and
scratchy over your delicate bits be considered
virtuous?
For the next few decades, delusional
Europeans and North Americans prided
themselves on wearing undergarments that
could hardly have been more uncomfortable.
And nowadays? Well, unlike Homer, I can’t
speak knowledgeably about women’s’
undergarments but as far as male attire goes,
things aren’t that bad. It pretty much comes
down to a simple fashion choice of boxers or
briefs.
Wool, thank the gods, is out, and comfort is
in. Underwear is as it should be – simple.
Which means of course that somebody had
to figure out a way to make it complicated.
That somebody seems to be Brazilian designer
Lucia Lorio. She’s marketing a feminine
undergarment that contains a GPS chip
enabling the wearer to be tracked by
satellite.
Why would anyone want such a thing?
Why, for protection from terrorists and other
assorted kidnappers.
Feminist response has been decidedly cool.
They want the device recognized for what they
see it as: a virtual chastity belt allowing
insecure males to keep track of their wives
and/or sweethearts.
Designer Lorio counters that the wearer has
an on/off switch she can flip anytime she likes.
Which reminds me of the old chestnut about
the English duke, off to fight in the Crusades
who made sure his Lady was securely encased
in an iron chastity belt before he embarked. He
locked the belt himself and secured the key on
a gold chain around his neck.
But the duke wasn’t heartless. Realizing that
he might end up dangling on the scimitar of a
Saracen he entrusted a duplicate key to his
loyal butler.
After his first day’s journey the duke made
camp at Dover in preparation for sailing to
France in the morning. He was just about to
turn in when he heard a galloping horse
approaching. Moments later, his butler flung
himself off the horse, red-faced and
panting.
“My apologies, your Lordship,” gasped the
butler, “but you left the wrong key.”
Arthur
Black
Other Views Mentioning unmentionables
Ontario’s Progressive Conservatives are
starting a leadership race they will
keep so exclusive it could cost them a
potential winner.
The contest to find a successor to John Tory,
who resigned after twice failing to win a seat
in the legislature, had been restricted from the
start, first because all those showing interest in
running have connections to the party’s right
wing.
The moderates mainly responsible for keeping
the Conservatives in power for 50 of the last
66 years may have no candidate to vote for.
The party’s executive has now decided the
race will also last only three months, because
it wants to name a leader by June 27. This gives
would-be candidates a short time to impress
and helps several MPPs, who have been
preparing in case Tory went. However it deters
others who would have to start from scratch.
Conservative MPPs generally also seem
fixated on choosing someone who already has
a seat in the legislature, because Tory’s
inability to win one delayed their party’s
preparations for the next election in 2011 by
almost two years and they do not want to risk
going through this again.
This is understandable, but it will deprive
them of candidates from outside who may
have the best chance of winning an election or
at least add something to the race.
Bob Rae was a New Democrat MP when his
Ontario party lured him to be leader. He provided
intelligence and articulation that helped put his
party in government for the first and only time.
New Democrats inevitably have lost
admiration for Rae, because he deserted them
for a more assured future as a federal Liberal,
but it is doubtful they would have won in
Ontario without him.
Others from the federal parliament or who
had never been elected anywhere have run in
Ontario leadership races for different parties
and made useful contributions.
The most dramatic was by Charles
Templeton, a former evangelist preacher who
became prominent in secular TV, radio and
print journalism, who ran for Liberal leader in
the 1960s and came within a prayer of
defeating the winner, MPP Andrew Thompson.
Thompson gave up after two years in which
the party got nowhere and Liberal MPPs then
pleaded with Templeton to take over. But he
had had his fill of conniving politicians and
refused. Some still wonder naturally what the
party might have achieved if it had chosen him.
Because the federal Liberals have won more
elections and attracted the lion’s share of
talent, and competition for top jobs there has
been more intense, some have switched to run
for leader at the provincial level, where
Liberals mostly have struggled.
They included Walter Harris, a former
federal finance minister, who failed against
homegrown John Wintermeyer, and Norm
Cafik, a rousing speaker who came close to
snatching the leadership from Robert Nixon.
Some added life to Ontario races. Mark
MacGuigan, a backbench MP and former law
professor, lost in the 1970s to Stuart Smith, but
raised the most interesting issues, including
wanting to ban strikes throughout the public
service and settle disputes through a “labour
peace commission,” and restrict growth of
costly bilingual services.
After being rejected by the Ontario Liberals,
MacGuigan held some of the most senior posts
in Liberal federal governments, leaving some
here to wonder what they had missed.
Ontario Liberal leadership races would not
have been complete without rumours, mostly
unfulfilled, some heavyweight saviour from
their federal party, including John Turner
when prime-minister-in-waiting, was coming
to rescue the struggling provincial party.
The Ontario Conservatives, who had four
unbroken decades in government up to 1985,
once attracted enough talent they would never
consider drawing from their federal party, but
times have changed and current federal ministers
Peter Van Loan and Diane Finley have been
looking at joining the Ontario leadership race.
They do not have records suggesting they
could win, but the message from the Ontario
Tories is as clear as if it was nailed on the
legislature door: outsiders not wanted.
Eric
Dowd
FFrroomm
QQuueeeenn’’ss PPaarrkk
Everyone loves a celebration. But there
have been three recent ones in my
family circle of pretty remarkable
significance.
At the end of last year my father’s sister
turned 90. A few weeks later, my husband and
I had the pleasure of driving her home from my
parents’65th wedding anniversary open house.
Then a couple of weeks ago it was my
mother’s sister’s turn to be guest of honour at a
90th birthday party.
A prior commitment made it impossible for
me to attend the latter, so I called to set up a
time for a make-up date, which of course was
better anyway as I got her to myself and could
spend more than a couple of minutes visiting
with her over a cup of coffee. She shared new
news and of course we both revisited a few
memories.
Mine are certainly fond ones. Both Auntie
Beat’s and Aunt Arnetta’s homes were summer
stops for me as a youngster. And I looked
forward to those carefree days on the farm each
year.
When I think of my aunts, first images are
always of two efficient, no-nonsense women.
Any sterness, however, was softened by shy
smiles and giggles that bordered on girlish.
They were both true country woman, laying
bountiful tables that combined the freshness of
gardens and home baking. Their days began
early, ended late and were primarily dedicated
to home and hearth. In juxtaposition with my
mother, a woman who balanced hard work
with a love of sparkle, spike heels and dancing,
I saw them as solidly content.
When I think of all these gals, who have
decades of life and labour behind them; mom
is working her way to that 90th milestone too;
I realize that things weren’t always easy for
them.
But looking at Auntie Beat the other day,
then going to see Mom later I couldn’t help
thinking that lifestyle sure didn’t hurt them
either. The physical wear and tear after nine
decades has taken its toll, but generally
speaking this trio is pretty sharp.
This observation, however, then raised some
other, rather interesting thoughts about the
modern take on physical fitness.
Today, it seems we know a lot more about
what we need to live a long and healthy life.
While I’m no zealot, I’m certainly no different
than many, researching, reading, listening to
advice on how to live long and well.
I supplement and subtract, I de-stress and
detox. I eat things I can’t stomach and have
turned my back on foods that are delectable
and comforting. I hit the treadmill to exercise
my body and work on crosswords to keep my
brain fit.
And as I reflected on this the other day while
chatting with my aunt, I couldn’t help smiling.
It struck me that I can’t imagine any of these
ladies at my age pondering the benefits of
white meat over red, or worrying about too
many carbohydrates in their diet. Nor do I
imagine any of them sat talking over their
green tea about improving their cardiovascular
fitness levels, or whether they were getting
enough antioxidants in their diet.
They used butter, left the skin on the chicken
and ate the pies, cakes and bread they baked.
Sure, they’re paying now. They’re being told
they need to cut back on cholesterol and sugar,
they need to move even when it hurts.
Just like the rest of us.
But unlike the rest of us who wake up some
mornings feeling like we’re 90, they actually
are. And got there, their way.
Tories may miss potential winner
taxpayers.
I do not think North Huron or Howick Twp.
is interested in entering into a joint board
which rules out that option. In my opinion, to
purchase service from other municipalities is
the only option left. Dealing with various
municipalities would provide us with
competitive rates, eliminate expensive board
meetings, and provide better service and quicker
response times which are crucial at a fire.
The areas would be decided by the fire co-
ordinator, Jamie Zimmerman from the Fire
Marshal’s Office.
I have been a member of the Wingham Fire
Board as well as chairman. The agreement is
25 years old and things do change. We all have
to learn to accept change. I feel this could be
a blessing in disguise for Morris-Turnberry
ratepayers. It would also strengthen all the
area departments and create better community
togetherness.
Sincerely, Keith Johnston.
Letter
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