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The Citizen, 2010-07-01, Page 5THE CITIZEN, THURSDAY, JULY 1, 2010. PAGE 5. Never heard of Amanda McKittrick Ros? Count your blessings. Ms. Ros was an Irish lass who was born in 1860. The name on her birth certificate reads Amanda Malvina Fitzalan Anna Margaret McLelland McKittrick and that should have been a clue right there, for anyone who comes into the world so encumbered and shackled by vowels and consonants is bound to have issues with the English language. And she did; Ms. Ros became a writer. Many believe she became the very worst writer in the English-speaking world. She produced three novels and several volumes of verse, all of them howlingly bad. Here, for instance is a passage from her novel Irene Iddesleigh: “Leave me now, deceptive demons of deluded mockery; lurk no more around the vale of vanity, like a vindictive viper, strike the lyre of living deception to the strains of dull deadness, despair and doubt.” Ms. Ros lived to the age of 99 blissfully certain to the end that she was a great writer. She imagined her reading audience as “the million and one who thirst for aught that drops from my pen”. She was pretty bad, but there’s no reason for Canadians to shuffle shamelessly, toque in hand when it comes to bad writers. After all, we have James McIntyre. McIntyre came to Canada from Scotland as a child in 1841 and eventually settled in the town of Ingersoll, in the heart of southern Ontario dairy country. James McIntyre and dairy cows: a marriage made in poetry heaven. McIntyre became known as The Cheese Poet. He had verses for every occasion – providing the occasion involved cheesemaking. His verses offered advice: “Our Muse it doth refuse to sing Of cheese made early in the spring, When cows give milk from spring fodder You cannot make a good cheddar.” Fodder, cheddar… Sure, that…almost rhymes. McIntyre’s masterpiece? Well, it’s hard to beat his “Ode on the Mammoth Cheese Weighing Over 7,000 Pounds”.This is a poem written about an actual, three-and-a-half-ton cheese which was produced as a PR stunt in Ingersoll in 1866. “We have seen thee, Queen of Cheese Lying quietly at your ease, Gently fanned by evening breeze; Thy fair form no flies dare seize.” The famous Ingersoll cheese was slated to go on exhibition in Toronto, New York and Great Britain, but McIntyre envisaged even grander travels: “May you not receive a scar as We have heard that Mr. Harris Intends to send you off as far as The great World’s Show at Paris.” James McIntyre didn’t write just about cheese. He was a versatile artist, more than capable of turning his creative talents to other subjects, like, well, sweet corn: “For it doth make best ensilage For those in dairying engage It makes the milk in streams to flow, Where dairymen have a good silo.” So in the end, who’s the worst – McIntyre or Ros? Well, I’d love to be a homer, but I’m afraid the Irish wordmonger deserves first place. Hard to top her last novel Helen Huddleson, in which the characters are all named after fruits (Lord Raspberry, Sir Peter Plum and the Earl of Grape) – and how do you top this description of Madame Pear and her “swell staff of sweet-faced helpers swathed stratagem, whose members and garments glowed with the lust of the loose, sparkled with the tears of the tortured, shone with the sunlight of bribery, dangled with the diamonds of distrust, slashed with the sapphires of scandals…” and, well, it goes on. Sorry, but even Canada’s Cheese Poet can’t compete with talent like that. Not that Amanda Ros would have doubted her supremacy for a moment. “I expect I will be talked about at the end of a thousand years,” she once said. I fear she might be right. Arthur Black Other Views The worst writer of all time When the Accommodation Review Committee (ARC) process began in Huron East and North Perth, it was billed as something that could divide a community; unfortunately it seems it has delivered on that promise. In working on a story for this week’s issue of The Citizen, I spoke with several members of the community who were outraged at the decision made by the trustees of the Avon Maitland District School Board, among other things associated with this process. People are disgusted. They’re disgusted with the actions of the board staff, disgusted with the actions of the trustees, disgusted with the actions of elected officials and disgusted with the actions of their neighbours and members of the opposing community (opposing community being an idea that never crept into my mind when discussing Grey and Brussels until now). As someone who was not from Huron County originally, I have been happy to make this area my home for nearly four years. I love coming to work every day and have been made to feel like an adopted son. I have found myself saying hello to people on the street, simply because they are currently sharing the same bit of pavement with me while we concurrently travel. Originally this was an alien concept to me, but standard operation for you (now us). So it is with great sadness that I put pen to paper (fingers to keyboard) for this column after having talked to many people who disparaged the behaviour and actions of people “from Grey” or “from Brussels” when just mere months ago that divide was non-existent. Names are being called and fingers are being pointed. And no, not at the schools’ recesses. Tempers were lost at the June 22 meeting and things were said that can’t be taken back. As Brussels and Grey residents live under the Huron East umbrella, all will be forced to live with whatever decision is made by the trustees. Meant very literally. While many trustees who live in the far- flung corners of the Avon Maitland area make a decision like this, it will be the residents who will be left to live with the decision, and one another; not the trustees. The Huron East ARC began the way last year’s North Huron ARC did, with communities working together towards a common goal. However, at the May 11 meeting of the school board, Stratford trustee Meg Westley issued a challenge to the Brussels community to defend its school, despite the fact that it had been recommended for expansion by board staff. Grey Central supporters were already on the defensive, so both communities were now pitted in a dog fight where nothing short of going for the throat would result in a win. What resulted was a chest-puffing match that the simplest among us could have anticipated after such a challenge was issued. An us-versus-them mentality was instilled in the communities of Brussels and Grey and all of the community building that had taken place earlier went by the wayside. People spied, they collected dirt and took pictures, adopting the old wildlife survival tool/joke that you don’t have to outrun the bear, you just have to outrun your camping mate. So now the “bear” has chosen its prey and the campers have to live together while the stink of that decision hangs in the tent. My hope is that this community I love, this community that has embraced me, can heal what they were forced to do to one another when their backs were pushed against the wall. Colourful MPP Murdoch retires Mending our fences Ontario has few MPPs who are characters – those whose idiosyn- crasies make them stand out from the crowd –- and their ranks are about to be reduced even further. Bill Murdoch, MPP for a riding based in Owen Sound for 20 years and a Progressive Conservative, although some may dispute this description, will retire at the October 2011 election, party sources say. Murdoch probably is best-known for being out of step with his party’s hierarchy. He said in 2008 he had lost confidence in then leader John Tory, who had cost their party any chance of winning the previous year’s election by advocating funding more faith-based schools, and was expelled from its caucus for a year. But Murdoch may have been right, because Tory later failed even to win a by-election in what had been a safe Conservative seat and, despite much media adoration, still has never been elected to anything. Murdoch had no qualms about expressing such independent thoughts throughout his career as an MPP. When Mike Harris was Conservative premier, Murdoch complained that a handful of unelected advisers were making all the party’s decisions and had more power than MPPs, and he was not elected to be a trained seal. Murdoch was parliamentary assistant to a minister for northern development and those in such posts normally echo whatever their minister says. But on a trip to northern Ontario, Murdoch met residents angry at Harris and told them he agreed they were “getting screwed by Queen’s Park” and lost that job. Murdoch said Harris’s education minister, John Snobelen, who mused he might have to invent a crisis to get the education community to change, didn’t know what he was doing, confirming what many thought. Murdoch, although usually on his party’s right wing, once said he was considering switching to the New Democratic Party, not because he supported its policies, but because it had been reduced to seven MPPs and needed another member to continue to receive vital public funding. Murdoch recently raised an important concern nobody else had done when he suggested Toronto separate from the rest of the province, because, while it was not going to happen, it focussed attention on his reasons, that many small cities and rural areas are neglected and suffer from high unemployment, lack of services, drug abuse and crime. Murdoch brought rare colour to the legislature when he persuaded it to adopt an official tartan and wore it often, although he could not persuade staider MPPs of Scots descent to follow suit. MPPs are not necessarily characters because they rebel against their parties or perform stunts designed merely to attract attention. What they do has to appear natural, part of their makeup. They need to have a touch of humour and not seem malicious. Murdoch qualifies as a character on these counts and there are fewer such characters in the legislature, because of increasing pressure on MPPs to conform. They toe the line and don’t even risk a joke that can be misunderstood. Murdoch joins those such as Liberal Eddie Sargent, who holds the record for being tossed out of the legislature most for using forbidden words, but unvaryingly left with good humour on all sides, flew his own plane and once retaliated against a Speaker by phoning to let him know that he was about to land it on the front lawn. And Frank Drea, a hard-living Conservative minister who liked a drop of alcohol with his lunch and puzzled visiting condominium owners by addressing them on the assumption they were grape growers. And Wally Downer, an Anglican priest and Tory MPP for 38 years, who was probably the most successful poker player in the many games then at Queen’s Park and was said not to rely on divine guidance, but occasionally slip an ace up his sleeve. Such acts cannot be claimed to help government operate better, but they added colour to an institution that increasingly has become bland. Eric Dowd FFrroomm QQuueeeenn’’ss PPaarrkk Shawn Loughlin SShhaawwnn’’ss SSeennssee Letters Policy The Citizen welcomes letters to the editor. Letters must be signed and should include a daytime telephone number for the purpose of verification only. Letters that are not signed will not be printed. Submissions may be edited for length, clarity and content, using fair comment as our guideline. The Citizen reserves the right to refuse any letter on the basis of unfair bias, prejudice or inaccurate information. As well, letters can only be printed as space allows. Please keep your letters brief and concise. Whatever we build in the imagination will accomplish itself in the circumstance of our lives. – William Butler Yeats Final Thought