HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 2011-10-20, Page 5THE CITIZEN, THURSDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2011. PAGE 5.
Hey fellers! Knock back a couple of
Viagra tabs and shuffle down to the
newsstand just as fast as your walker
will roll – they’re selling the October issue of
Playboy magazine for only 60 cents! (Ask the
store clerk to help you tear off the cellophane
wrapper.)
The fire sale price for the monthly mag is a
promotional gimmick thought up by the head
of the operation – old Priapus himself – Hugh
Hefner. Not only has Hef downshifted the
price to its original 1960s level, the October
issue itself has a sixties retro vibe to it. The
cover features a – yes! – Playboy Bunny with
fluffy ears on her head, unlikely boobs spilling
out of a too-tight satin bathing suit, a smile as
wide as a Steinway keyboard and a tray of
cocktails in her hand clearly intended for the
Lord of the Manor and guest.
Hef says the whole idea is to celebrate the
sixties when Playboy magazine took off and
the first Playboy Club was opened.
“It’s hard for me to put into words the fact
that, obviously, everything changed for me in
that time frame,” says Hef.
Yep. And then for Hef it never changed
again.
For 50 years Hugh Hefner has been living
the wet dream of a college frat boy, circa 1960.
He rises about noon out of his circular
revolving bed, not bothering to change out of
his silk pyjamas, greets his covey of Playboy
bunnies and assorted Hollywood hangers-on,
drinks gallons of Diet Pepsi (up to 30 cans a
night) and, well…parties on.
Hefner’s been living in a cartoon time
bubble for half a century, periodically diving
into the bunny pool to briefly hook up with a
sexual playmate usually answering to a name
like Tawny or Candy or Traci (with an ‘i’). But
the names don’t really matter. Hef doesn’t pay
them to hang around and discuss genealogy.
They’re not so much arm candy as pillow
mints.
Playboy Clubs, which back in the heyday,
twinkled in major cities around the globe,
were created to replicate the goings-on in the
Playboy mansion in Chicago. Lots of booze,
expensive food and, if you didn’t squint
too hard, waitresses that looked exactly like
the signature Playboy magazine playmates –
doe-eyed girls with big smiles and amped-
up cleavage tricked out as make believe
bunny wabbits, from the perky little rabbit ears
on their heads right down to the oversized
cotton puffballs sewed on to their
cabooses.
I went into a Playboy Club once, about 20
years ago. I happened to be in New York to
tape a radio show, saw the iconic Playboy
rabbit head logo on a bronze plaque outside of
a club in downtown Manhattan and thought:
why not? Inside, it was dark and smoky, there
was some lounge lizard-y music percolating
out of the sound system and a motley
collection of male customers scattered singly
at tables, most of them wearing cheap, ill-
fitting suits. They looked like extras from an
off-Broadway production of Death of a
Salesman.
Talk about losers. These were guys whose
idea of a good time was paying to be served
drinks by a rabbit with big jugs.
For all Hefner’s philosophical gushings
about sexual revolution and hip sophistication,
these boys looked an awful lot like a gaggle of
Johns caught in a back-alley rub ‘n tug.
Ah, well, Hefner is nothing if not resilient.
Just last year, the octogenarian copped some
more headlines by announcing his
forthcoming wedding to…Crystal, I believe it
was. Aged 24.
The wedding didn’t work out (Hef was
dumped at the altar) but it provided fodder for
more late night one-liners. David Letterman:
“Hugh Hefner, 84, is marrying his fiancée,
aged 24. This guy has Viagra prescriptions
older than that.”
But who knows? Hefner’s nobody’s fool and
a wily old cuss to boot. Chances are he’ll still
get the last laugh, much like another
octogenarian of note.
After Winston Churchill finished posing for
photographs on the occasion of his eightieth
birthday, the photographer thanked him
obsequiously and, while packing up his
equipment, told the British statesman that he
“hoped he’d be able to photograph him on his
hundredth”.
Churchill gazed at the photographer
balefully and replied: “I don’t see why not,
young man. You look reasonably fit to me.”
Arthur
Black
Other Views
Eighty-four and still standing
One of my favourite topics to discuss has
popped up in the news once again. That
topic, of course, is not being able to say
anything to anyone without them getting
offended.
So last week Toronto police officers were on
the lookout for a man trolling the subway in the
Davisville and Mount Pleasant area. This
pervert has been reported for looking up the
skirts of young female students attending a
private school called Greenwood College as
they ride home on the subway.
Of course the goal is to find this person and
arrest him, but meanwhile, an investigating
officer from 53 Division stated that “students,
especially females, should consider not
wearing their school uniform when riding the
TTC.”
This advice harkens back to the incident that
sparked the Slutwalk protest, when a Toronto
police officer claimed that to avoid sexual
assault women should “avoid dressing like
sluts”.
This most recent advice to female students to
avoid a potential incident with this man is
being seen by some as “blatant sexism” and
advice that “does more to harm [women] than
it does to help [them]” according to a
columnist on sympatico.ca, Monica Bugajski.
Bugajski, goes on to say that the officer’s
advice does little to highlight that there is a
pervert on the loose in the area and does
everything to highlight the female students’
role in the incident.
Very often news releases concerning stolen
cars from the local OPP detachment come with
warnings to “lock your car” and “keep
valuables out of sight”. Should not drivers
everywhere be offended for being implicated
for their role in the crime should their vehicle
be stolen after they left it unlocked?
In the Toronto case, police have offered up
the description of the man and have instructed
anyone to call the authorities if they spot him.
Should police stop there and offer up no advice
whatsoever for fear of offending someone?
The officer says not wearing the school’s
uniform will keep a potential predator from
knowing what school a student attends. But
instead of it being perceived as a police officer
trying to keep a community and its people safe,
it’s turned into a supposedly sexist crusade by
the entire Toronto Police Department with
female victims blamed when a sexual assault
takes place.
If there was some moron on the loose
boosting Mazdas (God knows why, but let’s
pretend) should I take extra care in securing
my car at night or should I reflect on how it is
my God-given right to own and drive a Mazda
despite what crazies may roam the parking lots
at night? I mean, sure it’s my right to own a
Mazda, and park it wherever I want to, but I
certainly don’t want it stolen.
If I’m a girl and someone’s looking up skirts
on the subway, I wouldn’t want him looking up
my skirt, so I most likely wouldn’t wear one.
But if a male police officer says that, he’s
insensitive and sexist.
Looking at the bigger picture, how does a
police officer give advice on anything without
“implying” that the victim has a part in the
crime? It could be impossible.
So next time there’s a murderer on the loose
targetting people wearing, let’s say, Toronto
Maple Leafs gear, be sure to strap on your
Leafs jersey and go out for a nice, long walk,
because we don’t want your rights infringed
upon now do we? You’ll be dead, but hey, at
least you didn’t have some cop telling you
what to do and how to dress.
Skirting the issue
Do you know the name Jean Beliveau?
You may have to search your
memories from 11 years ago, or you
may have watched his journey in earnest, but
this past weekend Beliveau ended an
11-year trek that should make every Canadian
proud.
I’m proud that he came from the same
country as I, proud that he is from the same
species as I and proud that he did what he did
for a good cause.
What did he do? Well 11 years ago,
Beliveau set out with a lofty and unlikely goal.
He decided he was going to walk around the
world.
This past weekend, after travelling over
75,000 kilometres, and traversing more than
60 countries, he ended up in Montreal, where
it all started.
Beliveau did all this to bring attention to the
fact that children face violence when they
shouldn’t have to.
This incredible triumph of the human spirit,
inspired by none other than Canada’s
own Terry Fox who tried to run across the
country to raise awareness of cancer, is a
symbol of what a human being can do when
he puts his to it and are willing to go the
distance.
Reflecting upon this story, which started to
unfold when I was only 15 years old, I
had to look back at what has happened over
the last 11 years and wonder what kind of
Canada Beliveau is returning to, and how
petty and pathetic some of the struggles
we’ve seen are compared to a journey
like his.
While he has been off around the world
trying to raise awareness of the plight of
children who face violence, we’ve watched as
politicians philander, as taxes have been raised
time and time again (by all levels of
government and all parties involved),
we’ve watched laws passed we didn’t like
and saw our leaders fail us by being caught
with their pants down (literally and
figuratively).
In the past decade, North Americans have
faced some of the worst economic times in
half a century because of the decisions of
governments and corporations, we’ve watched
as wars... or military actions if you must word
it that way, were fought with the blood of our
soldiers and we’ve complained about so many
things.
And yet, many of us have done nothing to
stop any of this.
Many people haven’t taken a single step
out of their door to face the problems of
our small world or the bigger one we’re a part
of.
I guess this column is really two-fold in
nature.
On the one hand, we have a man who
believed so passionately about something that
he literally walked around the world to try and
make others aware of it. On the other we have
different fingers....
Okay, on the other hand, we have a less-than
50 per cent voter turnout for elections and
what seems like a 150 per cent turnout for
people whining about the practices of the
government.
I just find it amazing that we have someone
capable of going to such lengths to teach
us about a problem in the world and that we
have people who won’t take the half hour
needed to make a change in their province or
country, but will certainly sit, comfortable in
their restaurant booth, office chair or easy
chair, and complain about how things are
done.
I’ve heard people complain about some of
the things people say publically and I have
often found myself getting weary of some
of the people who stand up and make their
views known fairly regularly, but then I
remember, if it weren’t for squeaky wheels,
we would never get off this road we’re
travelling.
If it weren’t for people offering alternatives
(and doing so with conviction and energy, not
just being passing aggressive and passing
judgements from an easy chair) nothing in
this world would change.
So kudos to Mr. Beliveau for bringing his
message to the world, literally, one step at a
time, and kudos to others who go the
extra kilometre to bring their message to the
people.
To those who want to sit and complain and
not be involved in the solution, but make every
effort to whine about the problem, I have a
suggestion for you.
Walk 75,000 kilometres in someone else’s
shoes. In the shoes of a man who found a
unique way to try and bring about change.
After you’ve done that, well then you can
complain from that easy chair.
And to those of you who like to complain
about how you walked to and from school
every day in the snow uphill, I think Mr.
Beliveau may have made your age-old
argument invalid.
Shawn
Loughlin
Shawn’s Sense
Denny
Scott
Denny’s Den
One foot in front of the other
Nothing gives a person so much
advantage over another as to remain
always cool and unruffled under all
circumstances.
– Thomas Jefferson
Final Thought