HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 2012-10-18, Page 5THE CITIZEN, THURSDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2012. PAGE 5.
There was big photo of Thomas Mulcair
on the cover of Maclean’s Magazine
recently. “STEPHEN HARPER HAS
FINALLY MET HIS MATCH” the headline
blared, in the magazine’s trademark,
understated, feces-disturbing way. The cover
story mentions Mulcair’s assets – a whip-sharp
mind, a fast mouth and the disposition of a pit
bull with ulcers. But what really separates the
man from the guy who lives at 24 Sussex?
A beard.
The face fur separates Mulcair from just
about every politician in Canada. It’s an
unspoken law, but a law nonetheless: if you’re
a man and you’re running for office, your
chops better be as bare as a baby’s backside.
Voters, they say, won’t trust a man with a
beard.
Downright stupid really. Jesus is always
depicted with a beard. Abe Lincoln had a
beard. Santa Claus has a beard.
Still, there have been a few bearded
guys who did nothing to promote the brand.
Taliban and Al Qaeda lunatics wear beards.
Saddam Hussein, when they hauled him out of
his rat hole, sported a beard that resembled the
south end of a northbound goat. Photographs
of Karl Marx show a man who seems to
be thrusting his face through a dehydrated
hedge.
Marx looked like a choir boy compared to a
17th-century pirate named Edward Teach. A
contemporary wrote that Teach was known by
“that large quantity of hair, which, like a
frightful meteor, covered his whole face, and
frightened America more than any comet that
has appeared there in a long time. This beard
was black, which he suffered to grow of an
extravagant length; as to breadth, it came up to
his eyes; he was accustomed to twist it with
ribbons, in small tails…and turn them about
his ears.”
Teach was better known by his nickname,
Blackbeard.
Bearded bad guys are a relative rarity these
days. Lots of popular figures – Brad Pitt,
David Beckham, Johnny Depp – flirt with
facial hair all the time. Even baby-faced Prince
William grows a beard now and again – and
looks much better for it.
Nevertheless beardophobia still thrives. Our
armed forces take a dim view of any recruit
who shows up with a beard. “How to Get a
Job” manuals and “Miss Manners” columns
invariably recommend a ‘clean-shaven’ look.
Even my sainted mother went to her reward
tich-tiching and tutt-tutting about her wayward
eldest son and his unshorn mug. “No woman
is ever going to want to kiss that” she told me.
Often.
Sorry mom, but you were dead wrong
on this one. As soon as I could, I grew myself
a beard. Not for me the Van Dyke, the
French Fork, or the Muttonchops. Fie on the
Chinstrap, the Soul Puff or the Goatee.
I grew myself the Full Monty – jungle foliage
from sideburns to Adam’s apple. And it paid
off. I knew my beard was a turn-on the first
day I showed up for my bartending job that
helped pay my college bills.
Women dig beards. I still remember that
beautiful blonde coming out of the washroom
and undulating up to the bar where I was
washing glasses. “Are you the manager?” she
cooed, sitting down and pointing her
cleavage at me. I stammered that I wasn’t. She
reached a hand across the bar and caressed my
beard. “Oh, that’s too bad,” she pouted, and
brought her other hand up and ran it alongside
my chin, twisting my whiskers gently into
ringlets, “because I’d like to leave him a
message”.
“I could give him a message,” I squeaked. I
could hardly talk by now. She was practically
giving me a full facial massage.
“Good,” she purred. “Tell him the ladies
room is out of toilet paper and hand towels.”
Arthur
Black
Other Views To beard or not to beard
Sponsorship can make a big difference in
an athlete’s life. There are millions of
stories told by athletes who could never
have followed their life’s path if it wasn’t for
sponsors who believed in them along the way.
When people think about sports sponsorship,
their minds automatically go to the big time
sponsors: companies that pay hundreds of
millions of dollars for stadium naming rights
(very few stadiums remain without corporate
sponsorship – Fenway Park, Wrigley Field,
Yankee Stadium, Joe Louis Arena are a few of
the survivors) or companies paying untold
amounts to sponsor European soccer teams
(soccer jerseys feature their sponsor’s logo on
the middle of the shirt, leaving a small area
over the heart for the team’s crest.
However, a lot of athletes who have yet to
make the big time survive by the skin of their
teeth thanks to sponsorship. Olympic athletes
are some of the most extreme cases. In order to
afford to train full-time in the four years
between their major competitions, not to
mention travelling and equipment costs, they
are sponsored by companies.
Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC)
fighters are in the same situation. With over
half a year on average in between fights,
fighters are supported by sponsors so they can
train full-time and not have to supplement
themselves with jobs, taking time away from
their training.
At last month’s UFC 152 at the Air Canada
Centre in Toronto, however, the world of
sponsorship in the fringe sport of UFC
changed.
Nothing groundbreaking happened. The
wheel wasn’t reinvented. What changed was
that in terms of sports sponsorship, the prettiest
girl in the school finally agreed to dance with
the UFC, instantly lending legitimacy to a
sport that many have yet to accept.
When light heavyweight champion Jon
“Bones” Jones came out of his locker room to
enter the ring (the UFC employs an octagon-
shaped ring) he was adorned with gear made
by Nike.
Last weekend it happened again when
Anderson “The Spider” Silva came out for his
fight in Brazil sporting the company’s familiar
“swoosh” logo, a mainstay in every major
sport for as long as I’ve been alive.
This changes everything, because when Nike
pays attention, the world has to follow suit.
The umbrella term for what goes on in the
UFC is mixed martial arts (MMA) and it has
travelled on a rocky road to get to where it is.
When it first began in the 1990s, people
called it human cockfighting. It was banned in
many states across the U.S. leaving small
markets like Wyoming, Iowa and Mississippi
to host events. Just two years ago the largest
UFC event in history was held at the Rogers
Centre in Toronto as it was finally allowed in
Ontario for the first time in 2010.
However, as the years went on, the UFC
gained popularity and legitimacy and as big of
steps the UFC has taken at political and social
levels over the years, one of the biggest
eyebrow-raisers in its history is Nike finally
coming on board.
The world of sponsorship has come so far
that if the right company gets involved, it isn’t
supporting athletes any longer, it’s, in itself,
changing how the sport is seen by those around
the world.
So while many fans may look at it as a nice
new t-shirt they might like to buy, those behind
the UFC, such as UFC President Dana White
could see dollar signs and a spot alongside the
world’s top sports.
Just do it
Shawn
Loughlin
Shawn’s Sense
When I think of famous contemporary
(contemporaryish, anyways) Cana-
dians, there are a bunch of great
people (in my opinion) who come to mind;
Pierre Trudeau, Jean Béliveau, John Candy,
Gordon Pinsent, Neil Young and dozens of
others.
That list, not-so-surprisingly, shares a lot of
common entries as members of Canada’s Walk
of Fame. Sunday night I was channel surfing
(for the first time in a long time, I’m still
getting used to being in a house with cable)
and I spotted the 2012 Canada Walk of Fame
gala event being broadcast.
I noticed that one of the inductees was Phil
Hartman (neé Hartmann).
Hartman has always had a special place in
my heart as far as Canadian comedians go. He
was amazing and I don’t mean “amazing for a
Canadian,” I mean amazing at what he did.
Whether he was portraying a multitude of
characters on Saturday Night Live, playing the
role I first and best appreciated him in as Bill
McNeal on news radio (alongside another one
of my favourite comedians who also happens
to be Canadian Dave Foley, an Walk of Fame
inductee as part of the comedy troupé The
Kids in the Hall), his inclusion in major
motion pictures (which I wish there were more
of), or his multitude of voices on The
Simpsons, Hartman was a comedic
Renaissance man.
So I was incredibly happy to see his work,
his mettle and his genius recognized, even if it
was more than a decade after he was taken
early at the age of 50.
Sitting back and reflecting on that fact (the
more-than-a-decade between his demise and
the star being presented to him), I wondered
how it could have taken so long for such a
Canadian treasure, in my mind, to be
recognized by the organization.
Hartman received the Cineplex Legends
Award; an award that accompanies a star and
is given posthumously, so he had to wait.
Mordecai Richler was given the award in
2011, Doug Henning in 2010, Raymond Burr
in 2009 and Norma and Douglas Shearer in
2008.
Waiting for the award I guess I understand;
he certainly deserves it. But I’m puzzled as to
why he wasn’t awarded a place on the Walk
posthumously before. Many others had. Fay
Wray, best known for her portrayal of Ann
Darrow in the 1933 release of King Kong was
awarded a star a year in 2005, one year after
her death.
Jack Warner, one of the Warner Brothers,
had his place awarded to him nearly 30 years
after his demise.
I’m not going to debate whether Hartman
should have been honoured before or after any
of those A-Lister Canadians, but, when you
take in the list of inductees as a whole, I have
some serious reservations about the quality of
individuals who were inducted before
Hartman.
Please don’t take this as a comment on their
place on the Walk of Fame. Most of them
deserve that, if not more, I just have to think
that Hartman, a man who was famous not
because he was Canadian but because he was
hilarious, deserved to be recognized earlier,
perhaps even in the year the Walk was created,
which was the year he was taken.
Looking down the list, in chronological
fashion, I need to ask, how could Martin Short
be petitioned before Hartman? (It should be
mentioned that, technically, Short has two
places on the Walk; one for himself and one as
part of Second City Television, otherwise
known as SCTV.
Linda Evangelista is a Canadian super
model who was actually born outside of
Canada and emigrated here. Her claim to
fame? Having the most appearances on the
cover of Vogue Italia, the Italian version of
Vogue magazine. She was inducted in 2003.
Pamela Anderson shared the stage with
eight-time Juno Award Winner Jann Arden,
Jeopardy host Alex Trebek, Robert Goulet,
Eugene Levy, Paul Shaffer and Brendan
Fraser. One of these things is not like the
others... Okay, maybe two. Fraser might have
been a bit of a stretch as well.
Steve Nash, who was born in South Africa
for crying out loud, was inducted in 2008 for
being a basketball player who, I’m sorry to
say, is really more famous in my mind for
either being or not being an item with fellow
inductee Nelly Furtado than for being NBA
MVP two years running. That could, of
course, be because when the NBA is running,
I’m more apt to be tuning in to a hockey game.
Actually, that’s not fair, when the NBA is
running, I’m more apt to be tuning in to
anything but the NBA.
Don’t get me started that Furtado, an
incredibly gifted Juno and Grammy Award
winning musician, was inducted after her
hoops-playing are-they-aren’t-they possible
connection.
Then Kim Cattrall who was, again, not
actually born in Canada but in Liverpool
England, was inducted in 2009. I’m probably
going to get in trouble when Ashleigh reads
this, but I’m pretty sure everyone should be
offended that one of the Sex and the City
‘actresses’ was named to the Walk before
Hartman regardless of her previous
endeavours.
Fashion designers Dean and Dan Caten
made the list in 2009 for creating Dsquared2 a
clothing label I don’t think I’ve ever even
heard referred to. After doing some research
(very little because I was absolutely appalled
by what I found), I discovered that they charge
as much as $3,475 for men’s jackets (the least
expensive one was $925, all prices in United
States currency) and as much as $3,035 for a
hand bag (the least expensive one was $375...
for a fabric bag with a “hammered effect”,
pocket and dual straps, what an age we live in).
Okay, I lied. I would debate their place on
the Walk. Fashion designers like that are just a
group of people I don’t have the patience for.
Other inductees this year included Randy
Bachman, Sarah McLachlan and the 1972
Canadian Summit Series hockey team.
I guess this was a year of catch up because
my argument could probably be made for that
entire list as well.
Walk of Fame inductee long overdue
Denny
Scott
Denny’s Den