The Citizen, 2012-05-31, Page 5THE CITIZEN, THURSDAY, MAY 31, 2012. PAGE 5.
Hey, my name is Arthur Black! I have a
new book out! It’s called “Looking
Blackward”! It’s published by
Harbour Publishing. It’s hilarious! You should
buy a copy! Right now!
Please forgive my un-Canadian pushiness.
I’ve just come from a workshop for writers
entitled How to Be Your Own Publicist. Here
is what I learned:
1: I am not just a writer; I am a brand.
2: I need to max out my credit cards and start
travelling all over Canada to ‘meet and greet’
with bookstore owners from Haida Gwai to
Joe Batt’s Arm.
3: I need to ‘chat up’ book store customers,
subtly steering them by the elbow over to the
Canadian Humour section and asking them if
they ‘see any names that look familiar’ nudge,
nudge.
4: I need to attend booksellers’ conventions
in a rented tux and throw myself at the feet of
booksellers and publisher’s agents.
5: I need to enlist 50 friends and/or family
members to talk up my book and strong-arm
local bookstores into featuring it in their
windows.
6: I need to join Facebook, create a blog,
master Twitter and overhaul my website to
reach the teeming masses who would all buy
my book if only I tweeted, blogged and
Facebooked about it.
It was at about this point in the workshop
that I wanted to stand up and shout that I
would prefer a colonoscopy by RotoRooter
over engaging in any of the aforementioned
stunts.
I didn’t stand up and say that of course,
because, (a) I’m Canadian and (b) dammit,
that is not writerly behaviour. Writers are
detached. Aloof. Introverted.
Okay – shy and awkward. We don’t wear
lampshades at parties or dazzle the crowds
with our tango moves. We aren’t cool. We
trend geekwards.
Hey, that’s why we became writers in
the first place. Do you think if we could dance
or do stand-up or be otherwise socially
dynamic we’d be wasting our time making
scribbles on paper or pecking away on
laptops?
We certainly don’t do it for the money.
Do you know what the average annual salary
is for a Canadian writer? Two thousand,
seven hundred and twenty-five bucks. (Okay,
I made that up – but statistics show that
80 per cent of all statistics are made up on the
spot.)
The very attraction of being a writer (aside,
from the princely sums you haul down)
– is that you don’t have to go to an office
to do it. Writers may be underpaid, but on
the plus side, we’re pretty much totally
ignored. We can write in our pyjamas at
the kitchen table with three days of
stubble on our chins or our hair in curlers.
Writers don’t have to worry about the
boss barging in on them, contributions to the
office birthday fund or showing up late for
work.
As for the downside, well, nobody ever put
it better than Bennett Cerf, publisher of
Random House:
“Bunyan spent a year in prison, Coleridge
was a drug addict, Poe was an alcoholic,
Marlowe was killed by a man he was trying to
stab. Pope took a large sum of money to keep
a woman’s name out of a vicious satire and
then wrote it so she could be recognized
anyway. Chatterton killed himself, Somerset
Maugham was so unhappy in his final 30 years
that he longed for death…do you still want to
be a writer?”
The answer is, oddly enough, yeah. Being a
writer isn’t so much an occupation as a
condition. An itch that needs to be scratched.
You want to be rich? Be a hockey player.
Famous? Invent a cure for baldness.
Powerful? Go suck up to somebody in Stephen
Harper’s office.
The writing business isn’t about any of those
things – unless your name is Bill Shakespeare
or J.K. Rowling. For the rest of us, motivation
is very simple. As a Greek fella named
Epictetus put it a couple of thousand years
ago: “If you wish to write, write.”
Oh, and don’t forget to advertise!
Hey, my name is Arthur Black! I have a new
book out! It’s called “Looking Blackward”!
It’s published by Harbour Publishing.
It’s hilarious! You should buy a copy! Right
now!
Comments: arblack43@shaw.ca
Arthur
Black
Other Views Extra! Extra! Read all about me!
Is everyone enjoying the NHL playoffs this
year? If you ask the CBC, you’d think a
very distinct half of the population is just
not feeling it this year.
That’s where Jules Mancuso and Lena
Sutherland come in with their internet series
“While The Men Watch” and a new target
demographic for the CBC.
The show is just what it sounds like. The
men are watching hockey, a practice (this
would be a good place for a font to indicate
sarcasm) no Canadian woman would ever want
to take part in, so they need something else to
do with their time. Cue the CBC’s newest
employees and their website, featuring sexy
suggestions and the occasional sports comment
from a “woman’s” point of view.
A quick spin through the website offers up
brain-dead suggestions such as baseball
players being served hors d’oeuvres on the
field during a game, instead of the customary
sunflower seeds, a sixth inning dugout
cleaning and losing the decimal system for
statistics because “most men can’t even do the
math on the ERA of their favourite player”.
It’s not all bad though. The website tackles
the important issues, like the article titled “Sex
On Game Day: Does He Lock It Up Or Love
You Down”. Also under reasons why women
love a good fight is number one “the best part
of the fight is the power play goal – otherwise
known as make-up sex. Bring it on.”
Ring ring. Who is it? The Pulitzer Prize
Board. We’d like to invent an award and give it
to you. Where’s that sarcasm font again?
Another gem was taken from an article on
the traditional “bases” of sex. Apparently,
according to the ladies, “men like to steal a bit
of penetration” at third base. If this is
happening, perhaps it’s time to call the police.
Sounds like sexual assault to me, no matter
how colourful of language the girls use.
As a result of the CBC’s move to feature
“While The Men Watch” the network has come
under considerable fire, as have the two hosts.
Who should really be insulted, however, are
the millions of Canadian women who may (I
hope everyone is sitting down) actually enjoy
watching sports. This is a direct insult to their
intelligence. I’m assuming the CBC went with
this sexist suggestion because others like
telling women to “clean the kitchen” or “do the
laundry” don’t generate traffic to its website.
Jess grew up playing hockey and says that
the NHL playoffs is one of her favourite times
of the year. My sister Dana is the same way.
She grew up playing softball and will rarely
turn down an opportunity to accompany me to
a Blue Jays game.
Those are just two of millions of intelligent,
feminine women who happen to enjoy sports
and don’t need to be patted on the head and
sent away “while the men watch their sports”.
In an article titled “What NOT To Say If His
Team Loses” women are instructed to keep a
secret stash of beer on ice in case their
boyfriend’s favourite team loses a big game.
The most important point on the list is to never
say no to him in the bedroom after a big loss.
“Make it happen girls – under any playoff
circumstance. Take one for the team.”
Have I gone back in time here? Am I missing
something? I’m positive that if any man ever
tried to coerce a woman into any kind of sex
using a line like “take one for the team” not
only would the relationship be over, but he’d
be nursing a black eye for a day or two.
There are plenty of people who call the CBC
old fashioned, but who knew its most old-
fashioned move would be an attempt to appear
progressive?
Sexism funded by you
Life-long ambitions can be great things
for pushing you to go a bit further and
try a bit harder, but you have to be
careful they don’t take you somewhere you
can’t get away from.
I have a dream - it’s not a fancy one and,
given the rate at which the effectiveness of
technology is increasing, it’s not one that will
remain at the far edges of possible for very
long: I want to walk on ocean’s floor.
I know, everyone and their brother probably
wants to go to the moon and, trust me, I
definitely don’t not want to go to the moon, but
I’ve always felt that, before we turn our eyes
starwards, we should be looking at what we
have here on earth first.
I guess it all started with the Titanic. (And,
as per one of my editor Shawn’s earlier
columns, I’m talking about the boat that did
exist and not a movie in which Kate Winslet
bares most of herself). When I was young I
had a hardcover book all about the Titanic and
all about the exploration around it and it
sparked within me some serious questions.
How is it that we’re concerned with keeping
people alive to explore space when we haven’t
even figured out how to get people to deepest,
darkest depths of our own planet.
So much of what we know about our planet
we don’t actually know. It’s based on theory
and assumptions and I’m not a big fan of
knowledge being based on anything except
facts.
So, since we haven’t mastered nearly-as-
fast-as- or faster-than-light travel yet, my
dream is to be one of the first to turn on a
flashlight in a massive suit designed to travel
where humans would otherwise be crushed
and see things we’ve only guessed at before.
Maybe I’ll find the sought-after panacea,
ruins of Atlantis (or some other long-lost city)
or evidence of interplanetary travel. Heck,
maybe I’ll find the engines of some antique
intergalactic travel system left here long ago
by tourist aliens who ended up calling MWSA
(That’s the Milky Way Spaceship Association
and, I know, it’s not as catchy as the American
Automobile Association, or AAA).
Who knows what exists in the deep, dark
depths we can’t travel to and who knows what
kind of amazing technological discoveries we
will find based on the technology needed to
travel down there.
One thing is for sure though, regardless of
how deep down I go, I will never expect
anyone to be responsible for bringing me back.
Sorry, that introduction took even longer
than my normal ones do, but we’re finally to
the meat of the story.
A Canadian mountaineer who made it her
goal to travel to the top of Mount Everest has
died as part of her journey.
Shriya Shah, a 33-year old Canadian
woman, was among four climbers who died
due to a storm that their Sherpa guide advised
them to retreat from. How do we know this?
Well another climber, Sandra Leduc, a lawyer
and government worker also from Canada,
stated that, during the same climb, her guide,
an experienced Sherpa, advised the group to
climb down.
Leduc Tweeted that her Sherpa said it was
the “[worst] weather he had ever seen”.
Now, to relate that to my story, that would be
like Doctor Robert Ballard (who visited the
Titanic) telling me the current is too fast and
that we need to surface as soon as possible and
you’d better believe I would listen to him.
Don’t get me wrong, the fact that Shah made
it to the summit of Everest is impressive, but
doing so against a guide’s warning was
reckless. She died on the descent and her body,
as of press time, remains in what is called the
“Death Zone”, an area higher than 8,000
metres above sea level where the air makes it
difficult to breathe. It would also make it hard
to mount a recovery program.
Until May 25 I was very interested in the
story because anyone who makes it to the top
of Everest should be recognized for the effort
and anyone who dies trying should be
commended for the attempt. On May 25,
however, a story surfaced stating Shah’s
family was seeking support from the Canadian
government in bringing her home.
After Shah spent more than $100,000 and
mortgaged her home to finance the trip, and
her family may end up paying $12,000 to have
the body brought down nearly 2,000 metres to
a safer extraction point at what is called Camp
2, there will still be costs associated with
bringing her remains home.
According to a story published by CBC.ca,
Shah’s godfather Bikram Lamba is seeking
assistance from the foreign affairs department
to bring the remains home.
“As a humanitarian gesture I think it should
be the responsibility of the foreign affairs
department,” he said.
Well let me be the first to say that Shah’s act
was impressive as well as inspiring and her
death is a loss that will undoubtedly touch the
lives of many. Let me also be the first to say I
don’t want tax dollars being spent to recover
the remains of someone who decided the tale
of Icarus was just good bathroom reading
material.
Humanity enjoys testing the limits of what
our bodies can handle. Young people like to
pretend they’re invincible, people my age like
to pretend we’re young again and that
reflection of the past through imitation follows
us all our lives. Sometimes it doesn’t end well
and we can only blame ourselves.
After all, the number of corpses on the
mountain earned Everest the nickname of the
world’s highest cemetery for a reason.
Shawn
Loughlin
Shawn’s Sense
Denny
Scott
Denny’s Den
The true cost of assaulting Everest