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HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 2013-09-26, Page 5THE CITIZEN, THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 2013. PAGE 5. FROM:ArchBishop Makgoba TO:Arthur Black SUBJECT:Speaking Engagement! God’s blessing Arthur! We hope this message meets you in good health. I am Thabo Makgoba, ArchBishop of Diocese of Christ the King, South Africa. On behalf of the Church, I am elated to inform you that we would love to engage your services to speak and educate our congregation as our goal of organizing this seminar is to enact success and leadership traits plus motivation in the congregation who are business-minded personnels and aspiring youth. Please, we would gladly like for you to convey to us your availability for next month as it will fit in your schedule. Also, please we would as well appreciate if you get in touch with us in ample time so we can start corresponding the details. God’s blessings, ArchBishop Thabo Makgoba Diocese of Christ the King Cape Town, South Africa TO:Arch Bishop Makjoba FROM:Arthur Black My dear Archbishop: God’s Blessings right back atcha, Archy! It’s not every day I get invited to address a church full of business-minded personnels and aspiring youths in South Africa! Mind you, I am waiting to hear back from another fella in your neck of the woods, so to speak. He’s in Nigeria – used to be secretary to a Nigerian dictator, no less! He wants to cut me in on a deal that will net me $3.6 million U.S. Seems the dictator was deposed and fled the country but forgot to take his money with him. My contact wants to use my Canadian bank account to transfer $36 million out of Nigeria. My cut is 10 per cent: $3.6 million. Easy money, huh? Well, not quite that easy. My contact says he needs to bribe a bank official in Lagos and could I please wire him $5,000 to make sure the deal goes through. Well, Arch, I figure what the hey? Five grand to make three and a half million bucks? Who wouldn’t jump at that? Trouble is, all my liquid cash is tied up in Moose Pasture stocks right now and I don’t have $5,000 to spare. But if a guy expects to make a buck in this world he better be innovative and enterprising, am I right, Archy? So here’s how I figure it could work: I’ll fly to Capetown next month, speak and educate your congregation in order to enact success and leadership traits and motivation, then I hop over to Lagos, pick up my $3.6 million from my Nigerian friend – and Bob’s your uncle! From you I’ll need first-class airfare Vancouver-Capetown-Lagos-Vancouver and five-star hotel accommodation in Capetown and Lagos. I know crime is a bit of a problem in your city, so I’ll also require an armoured car with chauffeur plus licensed and bonded bodyguards. Oh yes, and I’ll require my speaker’s fee in advance. My fee is $5,000, coincidentally enough! Kindly send a certified cheque along with the airline tickets and hotel reservations. Looking forward to doing business with you, Archy! As Bogie once said in another African town “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.” Arthur Black Other Views Arthur Black: South African millionaire Shawn Loughlin Shawn’s Sense When I was young, the highlight of visiting the United States of America (and I know, I’ve talked about this before) was the breakfast cereal. Sure, the different units of measurement were interesting and the different restaurants were great to experience, but to me, it was the breakfast cereal. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized there was a whole culture attached to those breakfast cereals. Things south of the border are just different than they are here in Canada. The day this really rang true for me was when I first went away to school. I realized that Huron County is an amazing place but that, culture-wise, there are a lot of places out there that are similar. As Huron Countians we are different than other folks, but we’re not so different that you could not call us Canadian. I believed that, no- where in Canada are the people so different that they could be as different as our southern neighbours are. Recently, however, I decided I was wrong. I’ve spent a lot of time in the Greater Toronto Area (GTA) over the past year and I’ve decided that it is a foreign nation. When you hit those outlying boroughs, things begin to change. There are different languages, different etiquettes and different fashions. There are microcommunities and microeconomies. There are businesses you would think could not survive anywhere else in Canada. That’s not a hostile comment towards Torontonians. Don’t take it as that. It’s a unique ecosystem to live in and it’s one that I don’t think I’m cut out for, but there are those who survive, relish and even thrive in the environment. However (and this is where we might get a little hostile), I have a problem with treating Toronto like it’s a separate province from a federal standpoint. This week it was announced that $660 million would be made available to expand the Toronto subway system. That money is coming from the federal government. Now, I could throw all kinds of stones here like pointing out that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford and Prime Minister and Federal Conservative Party Leader Stephen Harper are good friends (according to videos showing Ford brag during a private function that Harper attended about how Toronto and the federal government are conservative, now they just have to get the province) and point out that the original announcement about the money came from Harper, but I think I’ll just say, why? Why, when the provincial government had allocated money to expand subway service, is the federal government backing this? Sure, the province has a vested interest in Toronto, it is the capital of Ontario. The federal government, however, is taking tax dollars from across the country and funneling it into Toronto, arguably one of the most economically well-off areas across Canada. I’m not going to get all hurt on behalf of the area and say that money should go to Huron County, but given that without rural areas like Huron County, places like Toronto would starve, that money could be better spent elsewhere. It could be put into risk management programs to help farmers, it could be used to fund studies to negotiate better tariffs and fees for everything from lumber to crops with our trade partners. It could be used in projects that benefit an entire nation instead of one urban centre. It could also be used to fund outstanding projects in communities across the country. I guess, years ago, before I started reporting on municipal councils, this wouldn’t have bothered me so much. Back then I didn’t realize that the governments provide many grants and that municipalities need just apply (and get lucky enough to be chosen) for them. That could be what makes this so frustrating, there is no rhyme or reason (or application process) for the funds. While other municipalities have to scrimp and save to manage needed repairs and renovations, Toronto is handed these funds for a project that, in all honesty, is the pet project of Mayor Ford. Back to that whole foreign nation concept (and if you doubt that, ask yourself, would Ford Nation exist outside of Toronto?), it’s almost as if Toronto is receiving aid from the government of Canada like other countries do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m also unhappy when provincial funding, which is collected from across Ontario, is funnelled in to Toronto, and when provincial rulings designed for urban sprawl upset the way of life in rural or agricultural areas, but that’s something we have to live with in such a diverse province. Focusing on one city across an entire nation, however, is folly in my eyes. It just further alienates Toronto and the GTA from those of us who are already starting to see the people who are there as part of some other country that can’t handle snow, pay insane amounts of money for basic amenities and (likely because of the previous sentence) have more money than sense. Heck, I would have rather seen that $660 million used to somehow make sure Fairfax Financial Holdings Limited, who bought Blackberry on Monday, keeps the company in Waterloo and make sure people keep their jobs. I think keeping the 7,000 remaining people in the company (if it does not eventually fail as financial experts are saying it will) is a more important step for the country than making sure that people in Scarborough don’t have to take the bus. Maybe that $660 million (which is far less than what has been infused into other sectors) will be just what the doctor ordered to put Blackberry back on top. The outflowing of permanent, steady work will be a far better investment than the short-term work created by the building of the subway. Anyway, it all goes back to Toronto not being a part of Ontario or Canada. Denny Scott Denny’s Den Visiting my local foreign nation “A vigorous five-mile walk will do more good for an unhappy but otherwise healthy adult than all the medicine and psychology in the world.” – Paul Dudley White Final Thought Operatic combat Maybe it was growing up in a household with a German mother, but when I have a sausage, it’s adorned with mustard and sauerkraut. Ketchup never enters into the equation. The North American (more American than Canadian) ideal sausage is usually decorated with iconic, intersecting and cascading lines of both ketchup and mustard. Even when I eat a hamburger, or French fries, for the most part, I leave the ketchup on the table. So suffice to say, I am not a ketchup guy. Hopefully this doesn’t cost me my job. I say that, of course, because a deep-seated hatred for ketchup seems to have cost 33-year- old Charley Marcuse his job as a beloved (to some) hot dog vendor at Comerica Park, where the Detroit Tigers play. Marcuse was locally known as the Singing Hot Dog Man. His beat was often the most expensive seats in the house, from base to base behind the plate in the lower level of the park. He belted out the words “hot dogs” in a loud, operatic tone, that won him the admiration of many baseball fans, including me. (A video of Marcuse plying his trade – singing, not dispensing hot dogs – has been viewed on YouTube nearly 200,000 times.) Similarly, however, Marcuse had an admiration for mustard. For ketchup, he had whatever the polar opposite of admiration is. His love of mustard is even the stuff of Motor City lore, as his own brand, Charley’s Ballpark Mustard, is sold in grocery stores throughout the city. So while many fans admired Marcuse’s pipes and his dedication to the one true hot dog condiment, there were others who called him “combatant” when they asked for ketchup, and filed complaints in response to his strong opinions. Marcuse began his sojourn as a Tigers hot dog vendor at Tiger Stadium, in 1999, the stadium’s last year. He then moved across town with the team to the newly-built Comerica Park the next year. A similarly polarizing termination took place at the Toronto Blue Jays’ Rogers Centre several years ago when 61-year-old Wayne McMahon, known to regulars for his signature, elongated “ice cooooold beeeeeer” chant, was let go. McMahon failed to card a mystery shopper who was said to appear to be under the age of 30, the company’s benchmark for identification. The mystery shopper was actually 22, so legally allowed to drink, but McMahon was canned anyway. Many fans missed McMahon and assembled in an attempt to get him his job back, but to no avail. Similarly, it seems Marcuse too will remain out in the cold just as the Tigers prepare to make a playoff run. In an interview, Marcuse says that his termination has yet to sink in, saying he feels as though the Tigers are just on the road, but the reality of the situation will sink in over time. “It’s a job I love, that I’d like to keep on doing,” Marcuse was quoted in The Detroit News. In journalism school, one of the first things students are taught is to eliminate their opinion from any story they write. It seems as though that might be a good rule of thumb to follow in many jobs. Well, if all else fails for Marcuse, the Detroit Opera House, the home of Michigan Opera Theatre, is not that far from Comerica Park. Maybe they’ll appreciate his skills a little more than the Tigers did.