HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 2013-07-04, Page 5THE CITIZEN, THURSDAY, JULY 4, 2013. PAGE 5.
So Karen at the Credit Union sees me
stroll in, crooks a finger, beckoning me
over. (Oh, cripes – did a cheque
bounce?) No. Karen wishes to address my
state of dress.
“Suspenders AND a belt, Arthur? That’s a
sign of a seriously insecure man.”
Not guilty, Karen. Wearing suspenders and a
belt is a sign of a man whose butt has dropped
off.
It happens, you know. Cowboys and
long-distance truckers have no butts.
They hammer them flat with all the
bouncing and jouncing their chosen
professions entail.
And old guys? We lose our butts
too. Collateral damage, along with head hair,
high arches and the desire to stay up past
10 p.m.
Calvin Trillin, an old guy who writes
for The New Yorker, has given a name to
the phenomenon. He calls it DST –
Disappearing Tush Syndrome. The condition,
says Trillin, “could cause an otherwise
respectable senior citizen to walk right out of
his pants.”
Enter suspenders. An over-the-shoulder
weight-bearing device that can hold up a pair
of pants regardless of the presence or absence
of a fleshy caboose.
The principle of suspenders has been around
ever since some saggy-bummed Neanderthal
discovered that a shoulder strap knotted
to the front and back of his sabre-tooth
tiger jockey shorts kept his dangly bits warm
and cosy. Suspenders didn’t officially show
up for another few hundred thousand years –
in the mid-19th century, when changes
to the male trouser style made belts
impractical.
Since then, suspenders have had an up
and down ride. They became less popular
after World War I when men got accustomed
to uniform belts. Over the years, they swung
in and out of fashion; but more out than in.
Somewhere along the line they became
labelled as underwear, fit only to be seen on
lumberjacks, sledge-hammering railroad
navvies or tycoons caught with their
suit jackets off.
But suspenders fill a need. As all old
guys learn when gravity beckons and your
butt falls off, belts just won’t do the job
anymore. Indeed, some health advisors
consider reliance on belts to be positively
unhealthy.
“There are more (bulging) stomachs caused
by the wearing of a belt” wrote one Chicago
doctor, “than any other one thing that I know
of.” His advice for achieving that flat-as-a-
table abdominal profile? Posture, exercise
“and wearing suspenders”.
So who took his advice? Well, Annie Hall, in
the movie of the same name; Alex, the head
hooligan in A Clockwork Orange, greedhead
Gordon Gekko in the movie Wall Street and
Larry King, the owl-like celebrity interviewer
on television.
And me. But I am not trying to make a
fashion statement, break into the movies or
host my own TV show. I wear a belt because it
gives me a place to hang the pouch of my
Swiss Army knife; I wear suspenders to keep
my pants up.
My advice to my fellow buttless colleagues:
be not afraid. Hang in there.
And for those who don’t like my advice:
belt up.
Arthur
Black
Other Views
Brace yourself or I’ll belt you
With last week’s announcement that
Morris-Turnberry had purchased the
former Turnberry Central Public
School, another local municipality hopes to
create a good news story in the wake of a
school closure.
I attended the press conference at the Avon
Maitland District School Board’s Education
Centre in Seaforth on June 25 and indeed, this
is a good news story. However, I think we need
to remember who needs to be praised here; it’s
the municipalities who have stepped up to the
plate in the wake of bad news.
When Huron East Council announced that
the municipality had purchased the former
Brussels Public School and planned to turn it
into a what would eventually become the
Brussels Business and Cultural Centre, the
announcement was a municipal one.
Last week’s press conference, however,
appeared to be a joint announcement between
the Municipality of Morris-Turnberry and the
school board. However, once the news broke, it
was clear the municipality was buying a
property from a school board that was legally
required to offer it to its host municipality
before any other buyer.
So I guess what I’m saying here is that the
school board doesn’t deserve any of the credit,
as much as they may want it.
Certainly the people of this area have had
their ups and downs with the school board.
Between school closures and comments made
at Accommodation Review Committee
meetings, there are plenty of strong opinions
regarding the school board.
I attended those meetings in 2009 and I was
on the roller coaster along with community
members who came out in droves to defend
their schools. People were initially told that it
was Turnberry Central that was having
capacity issues and schools in Wingham,
Belgrave, Blyth and Londesborough were
included in the review simply as “receiver”
schools along the Hwy. 4 corridor. Before we
knew it, four of the five schools were being
closed along with Brussels Public School,
gutting The Citizen’s community of the vast
majority of its schools.
There is also the annual release of the area’s
ever-growing ‘Sunshine List’ of public
employees making over $100,000 a year. Many
of us look forward to the list’s release, eager to
see how the other half lives.
Then, of course, there were the rolling
“political demonstrations” that took place over
the winter, further dividing those who
supported the school board’s teachers from
those who don’t.
So when municipalities like Morris-
Turnberry or Huron East, a businessman like
Henry Van Heesch, owner of Euro-Parts, who
bought the former East Wawanosh Public
School, or a group of investors like the
Sparlings and the Elliotts who bought the
former Blyth Public School step up and
purchase a former school, it is these people that
should be recognized.
They have seized an opportunity to take a
closed school building and turn it into
something great. All the school board did was
close the school and take the money.
So when the school board calls a press
conference to announce the sale of a building
they closed, it, to me, has the feeling of
(extreme example) an arsonist setting a fire and
then calling a press conference to celebrate the
firefighters who put it out.
As I said before, these purchases truly are
good news stories, but don’t forget why they
happened and who we need to thank.
Hold your applause
Shawn
Loughlin
Shawn’s Sense
Normally when I write a column, I write
it for as many people as I hope I can
catch. Sometimes that works,
sometimes it doesn’t.
This week, I’ve got a very selective
audience, but I guess anyone can enjoy it.
Regardless of whether your school had a
valedictorian or a ‘class speaker’ (don’t ask), I
often found that a lot of their speeches focused
on what to look forward to in life almost as
much as they did on the previous years of
school.
(For reference sake, I didn’t attend my post-
secondary graduation, I was too busy actually
working, so maybe my assumptions are off
kilter due to that.)
Whether it was sayings like, “remember
where you came from,” or whether it was the
nuggets of wisdom in Baz Luhrman’s
“Everybody’s Free to Wear Sunscreen”, I find
a lot of the lessons to be a little too obtuse.
So I’m going to present some simple, basic
truths that may not apply to every graduate this
year, but will probably apply to a lot of them:
• Never think you’ve seen it all. Whether it’s
grown men enjoying My Little Pony a little bit
too much or someone stealing underwear for
12 years there will always be something that
can surprise you. Pray that those things
surprise you in a good or funny way.
• The reality is reality television really isn’t
any good.
• If someone passes out of your life and is
shaken loose of the mortal coil, and the last
thing you said to them was mean or angry,
don’t worry. They will remember you,
wherever they are, for all the good you did and
not because you had a spat. Don’t live your life
in regret over something you can never
change.
• You can be friends with your ex-
girlfriends, ex-boyfriends, ex-partners, ex-
wives and ex-husbands, it just takes time.
You’ll never really move on if they’re always
around but, some day, years later, provided
you didn’t do anything unhealthy during the
breakup, you can find a great friend.
• Don’t break up with someone in an angry
way. Regardless of what they did to you, keep
your head high and keep your tone civil and
move on with your life.
• Do what makes you happy. Sure, you could
be a doctor, you could cure cancer but, unless
you’ve got a super power, your only
responsibility is to yourself. If what you’re
doing doesn’t make you happy most of the
time, it’s time to move on.
• Never be ashamed of who you are. Blast
your country music loud, wear your cowboy
hat and boots, proudly talk about your time on
a farm and always explain why cow-tipping
isn’t really a thing. As far as gifts go, being
from Huron County is the best one I’ve ever
been given. When I left for university I left
here with more life experience than nearly
anyone I met and, at the time, I had no idea
that life away from rural areas was so boring.
• Don’t be afraid to come back home. I left
here thinking I’d head for the big city and
never look back but then my first job was in
the same town that I attended elementary
school. A lot of people might think that’s a bad
thing, they might think that coming home is
giving up on a bigger, brighter future, but
that’s not true. Coming home can be a stepping
stone or a destination. Regardless of how or
why, its true what they say: there is no place
like home.
• Buy brand name food and toilet paper. Buy
no-name headphones. Nobody needs $200
Beats by Dr. Dre headphones, but everybody
needs a well-stocked closet full of two-ply T.P.
• Don’t be ashamed of what makes you
smile... again unless you’re over the age of 16
and it’s My Little Pony. I love video games,
Transformers, Ghostbusters, Star Wars and
board games and I’m not about to hide any of
that.
• Don’t be afraid to try new things. It may
sound stupid, but it could be fun. Airsoft
(which is similar to paintball) is a great
example. It hurts, it’s tiring, it’s exhausting and
the equipment is expensive, but it’s quickly
become one of my favourite activities because
I took a chance on it.
• If someone seeks forgiveness, give it, but
don’t forget that they had to seek it in the first
place.
• Get to know your parents’ friends. It will
pay off in all sorts of ways. Maybe they can
help you find a job, maybe they can share a
funny story or two or maybe they can give you
little bits of information your parents don’t
want you to have. That kind of material can
come in handy when you’re writing home
from college or university asking for a little bit
of cash to get through the week.
• Wear a ball cap. Unless you work as a
funeral director or some kind of religious
leader, ball caps are fantastic. Like a tattoo,
they speak volumes about your likes and
dislikes without ever opening your mouth.
Plus, you don’t need to worry about bad hair
days as often. They also are a good place to
store a pen (but if you’re not a roving reporter
like yours truly, that might not be so
important).
• Speaking of tattoos, get one if you want,
just get it somewhere you can hide if you need
to. Unless you’re going to be a tattoo artist.
stay away from the neck and the face and...
well pretty much anywhere that is outward
facing and isn’t covered by a golf shirt and
slacks (or a blouse and long skirt if you’re a
girl).
• Facebook and Twitter are for people to
complain about what they don’t like, celebrate
what they do like and be far more open and
sharing than I’m comfortable with. If this
bothers you, don’t become a part of it.
Nothing’s worse than the guy who hates
swimming whining in the middle of the pool.
• Remember, if you ever see the name or
portrait of Morgan Freeman, everything after
that will be said in his voice... as long as you
know who Morgan Freeman is. Now get busy
living, or get busy dying.
• If you’re not careful, those kids with their
pants near their knees and their flat hat brims
will be the political leaders of tomorrow.
Think, be critical and for the love of
democracy, get out there and vote.
• Most importantly, public school is fun,
high school drama doesn’t matter and post-
secondary can be the most fun you’ll ever
have, so don’t waste your time worrying about
it or the future. Enjoy the moment.
Denny
Scott
Denny’s Den
Valedictorians, ‘class speakers’ and you