HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 2013-01-03, Page 5THE CITIZEN, THURSDAY, JANUARY 3, 2013. PAGE 5.
I’m having a wee problem with the 16th
letter of the alphabet. You know – the one
between ‘O’ and ‘Q’.
Right...it’s ‘P’, or more specifically in my
case, ‘Pee’.
Peeing is something I’ve done several times
every day of my life but I’m still getting mixed
messages about it.
When I was a kid I risked anything from a
dressing down to a cuff upside the head if I
didn’t wash my hands immediately following
the deed. This taught me that urine is a
dangerous substance and a threat to my health
and well-being.
Then I found out that Mahatma Gandhi
drank the stuff.
Really. He downed a glass of his own urine
every morning. Couldn’t have been too toxic –
he died at 79.
And not just Gandhi. Ancient Romans
brushed their teeth with their own urine to
brighten their smiles. French in the
Renaissance wore scarves soaked in urine to
ward off strep throat. The Chinese have
practiced urine therapy for a variety of
maladies for centuries. It’s advocated in the
Hindu scriptures where it’s known as amaroli.
Even the King James Bible promotes urine
therapy (“Drink waters from thy own cistern”
Proverbs 5:15).
Not just the ancients either. Moises Alou,
the one-time Montreal Expos star claimed he
pees on his hands to prevent calluses.
Madonna confided to David Letterman (and
his audience of millions) that she pees on her
feet to alleviate athlete’s foot.
So which is it – a foul body ‘waste’ product
or the golden elixir of life? Some medical
specialists still consider it a potentially
dangerous commodity, but don’t try to tell that
to Old MacDonald down on the farm.
Turns out I’ve been neglecting my garden by
not peeing on it. I know a rose grower in my
neighbourhood (no names to protect the
piddler) who anoints his rose bushes on a
regular basis. He says his personal daily
blessing results in luxurious prize-winning
blooms year after year. Agronomists in
Finland claim that a combination of urine and
wood ash resulted in a whopping 400 per cent
increase in tomatoes, and a report in
The Washington Post credits the
application of human urine for a fantastic
increase in cabbage yields.
Makes sense when you think about it. Urine
is rich in potassium, nitrogen and phosphate –
just like those bags of fertilizer you pay an arm
and a leg for at the gardening store.
Mind you, urine is also highly acidic so you
have to apply it judiciously. Fortunately for
males the dispenser is, um, flexible.
Professionals advise applicators to ‘keep
moving’ so to speak.
Reminds me of the story I heard in an
English pub years ago. Seems Lord Grantham,
a local member of the aristocracy, had been
shot by an irate husband.
“What did he do?” I asked the bartender.
“He was walking in the garden with Lady
Cynthia, the other man’s wife” he said.
I pointed out that that a mere walk in a
garden with another man’s wife seemed
harmless enough.
The bartender polished a glass. “Yes,” he
said, “but you see, it was snowing. During the
walk Lord Grantham paused to relieve
himself. They found his name ‘written’ in the
snow.”
I allowed as how that was eccentric,
frivolous, and possibly tasteless – but hardly a
shooting offense.
The bartender shook his head, leaned in and
whispered: “You don’t understand. The
signature was in Lady Cynthia’s handwriting.”
Arthur
Black
Other Views To P or not to P, that is the question
The above headline, of course, is an old
journalism adage. It’s why people are
depressed after they watch the news. It’s
always murders, shootings, stabbings and
rape – then over to weather and sports. It truly
can be a blood-soaked inverted pyramid.
This year, however, has been a time where
the press has had to evaluate its role in daily
life and the influence it carries.
In the last days of 2012, the Canadian Press
named its Newsmaker of the Year. He is
accused murderer Luka Rocco Magnotta.
Because he simply made up that ridiculous
name to appear exotic and interesting, let’s call
him by his Christian name: Eric Newman.
Newman was born the same year as me:
1982, just two months after me in
Scarborough, where I was born.
Last year, however, Newman perpetrated one
of the most horrific crimes that Canadians have
ever seen when he killed Lin Jun and
dismembered him for all of the internet to see
in the video “1 Lunatic 1 Ice Pick”.
The world was on high alert when parts of
Lin began showing up around the country.
Anyone who watched the brilliant piece on
Newman by The Fifth Estate knows that the
now-30-year-old coveted attention.
He started internet gossip about himself and
then called up the press to deny his self-created
rumours. He made videos of himself torturing
and killing cats, a surefire way to incite rage.
He worked as a homosexual pornographic
actor, a stripper and an escort. He was a
mainstay in any reality show audition that
would have him, never making it over the
hump, however, and onto the screen. So he
made his own screen.
He has been linked to over 70 Facebook
accounts that he would use to discuss himself,
both in favour, and against, his actions,
whatever they may have been at the time.
So where does the responsibility of the
Canadian Press lie on this issue?
Newman craved attention. He needed it so
badly that he started a rumour that he was
dating Canadian monster Karla Homolka, then
called the press to deny it. Therefore, is the
Canadian Press being honest, or is it giving
Newman what he wants? Validating the means
to which Newman arrived in this position?
The so-called “Canadian Psycho”, (a play on
the Bret Easton Ellis classic American Psycho)
a moniker Newman no doubt loves, did all of
this, took Lin’s life, so he could see himself on
the news; so that he might be remembered.
Toronto MP Bob Rae called the CP’s
decision disgusting. The CBC’s Jian Ghomeshi
said “sadly, it’s certain that in naming alleged
killer, Luca Magnotta, Newsmaker of the Year,
CP and others have given him the status he so
craved.”
Unfortunately being a newsmaker doesn’t
automatically imply that news is being made
for the right reasons. Jack Layton was 2011’s
Newsmaker of the Year, but before him it was
convicted murderer Russell Williams in 2010.
So then what is the role of the press in a mess
such as this? Perhaps Newman took dead aim
at the media more so than any killer in
Canadian history because he knew the media
couldn’t escape him. He knew they had to
report him, and through reporting him, he
knew he’d get what he wanted; an unfortunate
checkmate.
First and foremost, however, the role of the
press is to be honest, and unfortunately nothing
captured attention this year quite like the evil
character manufactured by Newman: Luka
Magnotta, Canadian Psycho – unlike any
horror story Canada had ever seen before.
If it bleeds, it leads
Shawn
Loughlin
Shawn’s Sense
Two thousand and twelve will be a year
that will live on in fame or infamy for
likely decades to come.
While it’s true that could be said of almost
any year, 2012 rings in my mind as a year of
controversy, a year of strife and a year of big
news stories.
Even to the very last days of the
year, the fiscal cliff looms in the United
States, Morris-Turnberry and North Huron are
still trying to work out a deal for fire
protection and we still don’t have a provincial
leader.
Despite all the huge news stories happening
in the world, however, we all have to sift
through metric tonnes of entertainment news
to get to those real news stories.
With that in mind, I present to you, readers,
my top 10 news stories (or continuing
coverage) of 2012 that shouldn’t really have
been news stories.
10. ‘The Bachelor/Bachelorette/Voice/etc.’
I realize that there are likely dozens, if
not hundreds, of television shows that should
be cancelled due to not really providing
any meat and being all flash and no substance,
but it seems to me the ones that start with the
word The are the ones we need to get rid of
first (followed by every single reality TV show
that doesn’t focus on antiquing, auctions,
storage sites, pawn shops or parking
authorities).
That said, this list isn’t about cancelling
shows, it’s about entertainment news, which is
as big an oxymoron as The Best of Jimmy
Fallon.
9. The Avengers
Let’s get things straight here first and
foremost; I loved the movie The Avengers.
For reasons that are obvious to people
who know me well, Tony Stark has always
been my favourite superhero. I have Iron
Man books, Iron Man poster/pictures and,
thanks to Ashleigh, I have an Iron Man mug. I
also loved Samuel L. Jackson and who doesn’t
like Scarlett Johansson... for her acting
abilities.
The movie was fantastic, but if you spend
any time near any corner of the internet I
frequent, you’ve likely heard people swooning
about it since the day it came out.
It was a fantastic movie, and no, I
don’t care how many times you saw it in
theatres.
8. The Hobbit
Time for the second verse, all the same, but
a little bit worse.
The Hobbit is Peter Jackson’s triumphant
return to J.R.R. Tolkien’s universe after
directing The Lord of the Rings trilogy.
Ignoring all the extra scenes he added
and the fact that Bilbo Baggins is
supposed to look the same in The Hobbit
as he does in the three films Jackson produced,
the movie was welcomed by the fantasy
crowd.
Again, I don’t care how many times you’ve
seen it. It was a fantastic book, is likely a great
movie and I don’t want to hear about it
anymore.
7. Jersey Shore
I guess I should first say I’m glad this is
over. Secondly, I don’t care about Snooki’s
baby or the continuing life of any of these
coastal crazies, so please stop talking about
them.
6. Chris Brown
I know that this may seem contrary to my
editor’s columns, but I think we all need to
stop looking at Chris Brown. Like all bad pop
culture icons (and I mean bad as in “Hugo
Weaving plays a very convincing bad guy” not
Bad as in Michael Jackson’s hit song “Bad”),
Brown needs to be ignored.
Stop paying attention to him and if Rihanna
wants to have shiners instead of shining bright
like a diamond, then let her.
5. Disney and Star Wars
George Lucas sold Star Wars for more than
$4 billion to Disney. Disney announced there
will be three more Star Wars movies.
This needed to be announced, but it doesn’t
need continuous coverage. No matter what
Disney does, it can’t be as bad as what Lucas
did with the Star Wars prequels.
4. Honey Boo Boo and the Kardashians
Don’t confuse what I’m saying here. These
shows shouldn’t exist. However, I’m not going
to call for their cancellation. I consider them a
form of multimedia Darwinism.
Again, I just want the news about these
people to stop replacing actual news.
3. Gangnan Style
I like Psy and I like Hyuna and if you don’t
know those names, don’t worry, you’ve likely
heard them singing without knowing.
That said, beyond breaking Justin Bieber’s
hold on the number one watched YouTube
video, pop music shouldn’t replace headlines.
2. Twilight, its actors and the Cruises
Robert Pattison, Kristen Stewart and Tom
and Katie Holmes need to be left alone. Not
because the media hurts them, but because I’m
tired of seeing their pictures.
1. The Biebs
Okay, this isn’t really a single story or
continuing coverage of any one event, it’s
more of a conglomeration of stories about the
Stratford-born pop star.
Whether you love him or hate him, Justin
Bieber is here to stay and those danged
Mayans lied to us all. The one thing that got
me excited about the end of the world was that
I would never have to hear another sound-bite
from the oft-quoted, oft-incorrect artist.
Whether it was Bieber looking like a bayou
hillbilly when he received an the Queen’s
Diamond Jubilee from the Prime Minister,
talking about how he is apparently “part-
Indian. I think Innuit or something?” and how
that status gets him free gas (as quoted in
Rolling Stone magazine), or whether it was
just his songs being played (over-played in my
opinion) on the radio, you couldn’t avoid the
Biebs without perishing in some sort of
massive cataclysm.
I, along with other journalists, am as much
to blame for his fame as YouTube and rap
moguls are. I wrote an entire column about
how disappointing it was that he looked like he
walked off the set of The Beverly Hillbillies
when he received his Queen’s Diamond
Jubilee Award.
So there you have it, that’s my list. Love it or
hate it, I don’t think any of it’s news.
Objects in the rearview mirror
Denny
Scott
Denny’s Den