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HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 2016-04-28, Page 5Other Views Take this jaw and shave it As I type these words, NDP'ers across the land are running around in circles, collectively shaking their mitts and screeching "Out! Out, damned spot!" They have blood on their hands. Tom Mulcair's blood. He asked for a vote of confidence at the National Convention. They gave him the bum's rush instead. Not your fault, Tom. It's nothing you said or did. Or didn't do. It's your beard. Look around, Tom. Trudeau fils doesn't have a beard. He Who Shall Not Be Named But Who Led This Nation For Ten Lost Years is smooth of cheek. Elizabeth May, it hardly needs saying... Look even further. Barack Obama, Angela Merkel, David Cameron, Vlad the Impaler Putin, whoever is in charge of Italy this week — no leader this side of an Ayatollah or a Rastafarian has any appreciable facial hair. There's a reason for that. A lot of people just can't cozy up to a bearded guy. Trust me on this. I've had bush on my face for the past 40 years and while I've never been outright shunned or jeered for it, I've also — never once — been asked to run for public office! Sure, there may be other minor contributing factors (incompetence, taihip' Black unreliability, unremitting boorishness) but I prefer to think it's beardophobia. Look at the facts: I have a beard; Tom Mulcair has a beard. Neither of us is deemed worthy to lead a federal political party. Coincidence? I don't think so. 'Twas not always thus. Let me throw some more names at you. Lincoln. Dickens. Darwin. Freud. Marx. Jesus. Moses. What do they all have in common? Right, they're dead — but they all sported beards — and not just wimpy little cookie duster chin straps — great thickets of beards. Orioles could have nested in Karl Marx's jawline. Charles Darwin had enough fur on his face to knit an afghan rug. Back in the day, a beard was considered a sign of rectitude and maturity. Ancient Assyrian kings had slaves with curling irons to arrange their beards in spiral coils from ear to THE CITIZEN, THURSDAY, APRIL 28, 2016. PAGE 5. ear. Egyptian Pharaohs had their beards plaited with threads of fine -spun gold. Beards have been revered as leadership credentials since we came down from the trees and walked on our knuckles. But that's pretty much the point, isn't it. Beards are an evolutionary throwback, a vestigial, usually male, secondary sexual characteristic reminding too many people of our barbarous roots. Some of us are okay with that; others less so. Beard hostility goes back as far as Sept. 30, 331 B.C., when Alexander the Great, to the dismay of his troops, ordered every soldier in his army to shave off his beard prior to battle with Persian forces. Alex was just being practical. Getting rid of beards deprived enemy soldiers of something to grab hold of. The Greeks won that battle — and the first shot in the war against beards was fired. Twenty-four centuries later, the war against beards rages on. Just the other day a guy looked at me and sneered. "Why don't you shave your beard — you look like a homeless bum!" I just laughed. He wasn't the kind of guy I'd invite into my refrigerator carton anyway. I can finally tell bad... or dad jokes! While I'm pretty sure I've written about my love of puns before, I can finally hold my head high when I tell them because, with my wife and I actively preparing our home for a child, dad jokes are going to become a large part of my humour repertoire. For years I've stockpiled jokes that were just too groan -worthy to tell and I'm going to share a few of them here, but don't worry, I have dozens more tucked away for pretty much every situation. Take, for example, the inevitability of decorating at Christmas time. If anyone ever asks me if I'm going to put the tree up myself, I'll have this gem: "Don't be disgusting, I'm going to put it in the den." And every new year at 12:01 a.m. after my kids can grasp this kind of beautiful humour, I'm going to complain about how I haven't eaten all year. If my wife or child is ever concerned about being cold, I'll be more than happy to tell them that they should stand in the corner. Why? Well it's usually 90 degrees. (Of course that joke isn't as great now that Celsius is the norm.) Then there is the inevitable time when my son or daughter gets angry at me and decides to try the silent treatment. I'll grab a measuring tape and slowly push it out towards their cheek until they snap and ask what I'm doing, at which point I'll smile and say, "Measuring your patience." Then there will be the inevitable fact that I'll likely be cooking most of the meals after Ashleigh returns to work. The kitchen provides a cornucopia of potential dad joke opportunities. As soon as my child is old enough to understand, I'll start humming Chopin's Funeral March every time I boil water. Hopefully it won't take too long for someone to ask why and I'll explain. "I'm in mourning of the boiling water. Soon, it will be mist." The first time that my child wants shoes, skates, earrings, pants, etc., I'll walk into their room smiling and assure them that I noticed how much they wanted said item and say, "I want you to be happy, so I got you a pear," while I hand them the fruit. Denny Scott Denny's Den If we have a son, I'll constantly say, whenever I'm leaving and after I've bid adieu to Ashleigh, `Buffalo." I wonder how many years it will take before he realizes I'm actually saying Bye Son (Bison). I can't wait to replace my old filing cabinets at home either. I used to have filing cabinets filled with all my old documents from work. When I get the new ones, however, I'll be sure to label each drawer "Top Secret", "Middle Secret" and "Bottom Secret". Jokes can also be used to encourage science experiments as well. For example, what's the fastest liquid on earth? Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it! When my son or daughter start dating, I'll be more than happy to give them the best advice I can: Don't date anyone who plays tennis. Love means nothing to them. I also can't wait for my teen to eventually apologize for being born when they feel they are being treated unfairly. Why? Because, then I get to say, "I forgive you, just don't do it again" Then there's the off -chance my child will want to go green and start wearing clothes made of hemp. I guess, in that case, every shirt is a crop top. Plus, Ashleigh and I have already decided that, to encourage chores being promptly done, we're going to change the Wi-Fi password. Either chores will get done or our child will be outside enjoying the fresh air. It seems like a win-win to me. One day, however, I'm going to set the password to something like imnottelling or whatpassword and I'll just laugh and laugh as the hilarity ensues. Unfortunately, for a lot of these jokes, I'm going to have to wait until my child develops a sense of humour (and Lord help them if they get mine). There are a few, however, that I'm able to get away with now. For example, a couple days ago, Ashleigh swore she felt the young' in moving a little and said it felt like the baby was being particularly energetic. I told the baby to go to its womb until it settled down. Shortly after, I asked my sister what the difference was between a hippo and a Zippo and got to explain to her that one is a little lighter. Also, the next time we have one of the numerous power outages that plague Blyth, I'll be more than happy to explain that everything is okay, we're simply delighted. Of course, there are a lot of missed opportunities for jokes that I just won't be able to capitalize on. For example, our dog, Mikayla, is something of a mystery breed that we've figured must include a little shepard. I'll never be able to end an argument by asking the dog and saying, "I asked the lab, the results are inconclusive." I doubt my child will ever want to go to a concert featuring the artist 50 Cent, which means I'll never get to flip them a dollar and say, "Sure, take a friend." I also don't work in a production facility, so I'll never get to ask the plant manager whether he prefers cacti or ferns. I doubt I'll ever work in a prison library, so I'll never be able to tell anyone about the prose and cons of my job. To be frank... no, wait, Frank is my grandfather. Sorry. To be honest, I've been telling these jokes for a long time and always felt I was cheating because I wasn't yet a dad. For example, back when Ashleigh and I were planning our wedding, she wanted to pick the flowers months in advance. I said we should wait, there was no way they would survive being picked that far in advance. Heck, I even carry around... well, I won't let that one out just yet. I'll tell you what, loyal readers, if you want to experience my best dad joke, you will have to ask me about it. Don't be shy, I guarantee that you will love it. Of course, no collection of dad jokes would be complete without this exchange: Child: "Dad, I'm hungry." Me: "Well hello Hungry, it's nice to meet you" 411. Shawn Loughlin Shawn's Sense Crossfire hurricane War is being waged in North Carolina as we speak over what's being called the "Bathroom Bill". Its official name is HB2 and it requires transgender people to use the bathroom of the sex they were born. The bill has ignited fierce debate with people violently defending their position of either being for the bill or against it. There is no middle ground, it seems. I won't attempt to delve into the complicated issue, however, so don't worry. In order to read beyond this paragraph in my column this week, all you need to know is that a controversial bill has been passed in North Carolina and people are very, very upset about it — one way or the other. The bill has been criticized as being a human rights issue and as very anti -gay, lesbian bi- sexual and transgender. Many powerful artists and corporations have come out against it. As of this week, a number of businesses have either scrapped plans to open in North Carolina, or rolled back expansion plans, costing the state hundreds of millions of dollars. PayPal was planning the construction of a new global payment centre that would have created 400 jobs. The company has since pulled out. The same can be said for Deutsche Bank that cancelled an expansion that would have created 250 new jobs. The New York Times has also reported that the bill could cost the state billions in federal funding for schools, highways and housing. And while these decisions may be the most important protests going on, the ones grabbing all the headlines are musicians who, in order to protest the bill, are cancelling concerts that have been scheduled for months. The Boss, yes, Bruce Springsteen, is among them, saying, "Some things are more important than a rock show and this fight against prejudice and bigotry — which is happening as I write — is one of them." Ringo Starr and Pearl Jam have also cancelled concerts. These cancellations have led to another fierce debate: who is being hurt by these decisions? A quick search of either the Pearl Jam or Springsteen statement yields responses from ticket -holders going both ways. Some agree that the issue is beyond the importance of a concert and are gladly giving up the chance to see a concert so a statement can be made, while others, who may agree with the band's stance on the issue, feel punished for something over which they have no control. These are just people who happen to live in North Carolina with tickets to a rock show. I tend to agree with the latter and can understand why concert -goers are feeling like collateral damage in a fight that isn't theirs. And that's why I like what English band Mumford and Sons did on Monday. I've written before about Mumford and Sons. They are very community -minded and started a series of concerts called Gentlemen of the Road, aimed at revitalizing once -great communities and minimizing their profits, while maximizing those of the communities. Anyway, Mumford and Sons held their concert and played music for their fans, but, as backers of the cause, donated all profits from their Charlotte, North Carolina performance to charities also fighting against the bill. In terms of this cause, it doesn't matter which side you fall on. The point here is that while many protest for what they feel is right, they need to keep their eyes on the prize and punish the decision -makers, not their fans.