HomeMy WebLinkAboutThe Citizen, 2016-04-28, Page 5Other Views
Take this jaw and shave it
As I type these words, NDP'ers across
the land are running around in circles,
collectively shaking their mitts and
screeching "Out! Out, damned spot!"
They have blood on their hands. Tom
Mulcair's blood. He asked for a vote of
confidence at the National Convention. They
gave him the bum's rush instead.
Not your fault, Tom. It's nothing you said or
did. Or didn't do. It's your beard.
Look around, Tom. Trudeau fils doesn't have
a beard. He Who Shall Not Be Named But
Who Led This Nation For Ten Lost Years is
smooth of cheek. Elizabeth May, it hardly
needs saying...
Look even further. Barack Obama,
Angela Merkel, David Cameron, Vlad the
Impaler Putin, whoever is in charge of Italy
this week — no leader this side of an
Ayatollah or a Rastafarian has any appreciable
facial hair. There's a reason for that. A
lot of people just can't cozy up to a bearded
guy.
Trust me on this. I've had bush on my
face for the past 40 years and while I've never
been outright shunned or jeered for it, I've
also — never once — been asked to run for
public office! Sure, there may be other
minor contributing factors (incompetence,
taihip'
Black
unreliability, unremitting boorishness) but I
prefer to think it's beardophobia.
Look at the facts: I have a beard; Tom
Mulcair has a beard. Neither of us is deemed
worthy to lead a federal political party.
Coincidence? I don't think so.
'Twas not always thus. Let me throw some
more names at you. Lincoln. Dickens.
Darwin. Freud. Marx. Jesus. Moses. What do
they all have in common? Right, they're dead
— but they all sported beards — and not just
wimpy little cookie duster chin straps —
great thickets of beards. Orioles could have
nested in Karl Marx's jawline. Charles Darwin
had enough fur on his face to knit an afghan
rug.
Back in the day, a beard was considered a
sign of rectitude and maturity. Ancient
Assyrian kings had slaves with curling irons to
arrange their beards in spiral coils from ear to
THE CITIZEN, THURSDAY, APRIL 28, 2016. PAGE 5.
ear. Egyptian Pharaohs had their beards plaited
with threads of fine -spun gold.
Beards have been revered as leadership
credentials since we came down from the trees
and walked on our knuckles. But that's pretty
much the point, isn't it. Beards are an
evolutionary throwback, a vestigial, usually
male, secondary sexual characteristic
reminding too many people of our barbarous
roots.
Some of us are okay with that; others
less so. Beard hostility goes back as far as
Sept. 30, 331 B.C., when Alexander the
Great, to the dismay of his troops,
ordered every soldier in his army to shave
off his beard prior to battle with Persian
forces.
Alex was just being practical. Getting rid of
beards deprived enemy soldiers of something
to grab hold of. The Greeks won that battle —
and the first shot in the war against beards was
fired.
Twenty-four centuries later, the war against
beards rages on. Just the other day a guy
looked at me and sneered. "Why don't you
shave your beard — you look like a homeless
bum!" I just laughed.
He wasn't the kind of guy I'd invite into my
refrigerator carton anyway.
I can finally tell bad... or dad jokes!
While I'm pretty sure I've written
about my love of puns before, I can
finally hold my head high when I
tell them because, with my wife and I actively
preparing our home for a child, dad jokes are
going to become a large part of my humour
repertoire.
For years I've stockpiled jokes that were just
too groan -worthy to tell and I'm going to share
a few of them here, but don't worry, I have
dozens more tucked away for pretty much
every situation.
Take, for example, the inevitability of
decorating at Christmas time. If anyone ever
asks me if I'm going to put the tree up myself,
I'll have this gem: "Don't be disgusting, I'm
going to put it in the den."
And every new year at 12:01 a.m. after my
kids can grasp this kind of beautiful humour,
I'm going to complain about how I haven't
eaten all year.
If my wife or child is ever concerned about
being cold, I'll be more than happy to tell them
that they should stand in the corner. Why?
Well it's usually 90 degrees. (Of course that
joke isn't as great now that Celsius is the
norm.)
Then there is the inevitable time when my
son or daughter gets angry at me and decides
to try the silent treatment. I'll grab a measuring
tape and slowly push it out towards their cheek
until they snap and ask what I'm doing, at
which point I'll smile and say, "Measuring
your patience."
Then there will be the inevitable fact that I'll
likely be cooking most of the meals after
Ashleigh returns to work. The kitchen
provides a cornucopia of potential dad joke
opportunities.
As soon as my child is old enough to
understand, I'll start humming Chopin's
Funeral March every time I boil water.
Hopefully it won't take too long for someone
to ask why and I'll explain. "I'm in mourning
of the boiling water. Soon, it will be mist."
The first time that my child wants shoes,
skates, earrings, pants, etc., I'll walk into their
room smiling and assure them that I noticed
how much they wanted said item and say, "I
want you to be happy, so I got you a pear,"
while I hand them the fruit.
Denny
Scott
Denny's Den
If we have a son, I'll constantly say,
whenever I'm leaving and after I've bid adieu
to Ashleigh, `Buffalo." I wonder how many
years it will take before he realizes I'm
actually saying Bye Son (Bison).
I can't wait to replace my old filing cabinets
at home either. I used to have filing cabinets
filled with all my old documents from work.
When I get the new ones, however, I'll be sure
to label each drawer "Top Secret", "Middle
Secret" and "Bottom Secret".
Jokes can also be used to encourage science
experiments as well. For example, what's the
fastest liquid on earth? Milk. It's pasteurized
before you see it!
When my son or daughter start dating, I'll be
more than happy to give them the best advice I
can: Don't date anyone who plays tennis. Love
means nothing to them.
I also can't wait for my teen to eventually
apologize for being born when they feel they
are being treated unfairly. Why? Because, then
I get to say, "I forgive you, just don't do it
again"
Then there's the off -chance my child will
want to go green and start wearing clothes
made of hemp. I guess, in that case, every shirt
is a crop top.
Plus, Ashleigh and I have already decided
that, to encourage chores being promptly done,
we're going to change the Wi-Fi password.
Either chores will get done or our child will be
outside enjoying the fresh air. It seems like a
win-win to me. One day, however, I'm going
to set the password to something like
imnottelling or whatpassword and I'll just
laugh and laugh as the hilarity ensues.
Unfortunately, for a lot of these jokes, I'm
going to have to wait until my child develops a
sense of humour (and Lord help them if they
get mine). There are a few, however, that I'm
able to get away with now.
For example, a couple days ago, Ashleigh
swore she felt the young' in moving a little and
said it felt like the baby was being particularly
energetic. I told the baby to go to its womb
until it settled down.
Shortly after, I asked my sister what the
difference was between a hippo and a Zippo
and got to explain to her that one is a little
lighter.
Also, the next time we have one of the
numerous power outages that plague Blyth, I'll
be more than happy to explain that everything
is okay, we're simply delighted.
Of course, there are a lot of missed
opportunities for jokes that I just won't be able
to capitalize on.
For example, our dog, Mikayla, is something
of a mystery breed that we've figured must
include a little shepard. I'll never be able to
end an argument by asking the dog and saying,
"I asked the lab, the results are inconclusive."
I doubt my child will ever want to go to a
concert featuring the artist 50 Cent, which
means I'll never get to flip them a dollar and
say, "Sure, take a friend."
I also don't work in a production facility, so
I'll never get to ask the plant manager whether
he prefers cacti or ferns.
I doubt I'll ever work in a prison library, so
I'll never be able to tell anyone about the prose
and cons of my job.
To be frank... no, wait, Frank is my
grandfather. Sorry. To be honest, I've
been telling these jokes for a long time and
always felt I was cheating because I wasn't yet
a dad.
For example, back when Ashleigh and I
were planning our wedding, she wanted to
pick the flowers months in advance. I said we
should wait, there was no way they would
survive being picked that far in advance.
Heck, I even carry around... well, I won't let
that one out just yet. I'll tell you what, loyal
readers, if you want to experience my best dad
joke, you will have to ask me about it. Don't be
shy, I guarantee that you will love it.
Of course, no collection of dad jokes would
be complete without this exchange:
Child: "Dad, I'm hungry."
Me: "Well hello Hungry, it's nice to meet
you"
411. Shawn
Loughlin
Shawn's Sense
Crossfire hurricane
War
is being waged in North Carolina
as we speak over what's being
called the "Bathroom Bill". Its
official name is HB2 and it requires
transgender people to use the bathroom of the
sex they were born.
The bill has ignited fierce debate with people
violently defending their position of either
being for the bill or against it. There is no
middle ground, it seems.
I won't attempt to delve into the complicated
issue, however, so don't worry. In order to read
beyond this paragraph in my column this
week, all you need to know is that a
controversial bill has been passed in North
Carolina and people are very, very upset about
it — one way or the other.
The bill has been criticized as being a human
rights issue and as very anti -gay, lesbian bi-
sexual and transgender. Many powerful artists
and corporations have come out against it.
As of this week, a number of businesses have
either scrapped plans to open in North
Carolina, or rolled back expansion plans,
costing the state hundreds of millions of
dollars.
PayPal was planning the construction of a
new global payment centre that would have
created 400 jobs. The company has since
pulled out. The same can be said for Deutsche
Bank that cancelled an expansion that would
have created 250 new jobs.
The New York Times has also reported that
the bill could cost the state billions in federal
funding for schools, highways and housing.
And while these decisions may be the most
important protests going on, the ones grabbing
all the headlines are musicians who, in order to
protest the bill, are cancelling concerts that
have been scheduled for months.
The Boss, yes, Bruce Springsteen, is among
them, saying, "Some things are more
important than a rock show and this fight
against prejudice and bigotry — which is
happening as I write — is one of them."
Ringo Starr and Pearl Jam have also
cancelled concerts. These cancellations have
led to another fierce debate: who is being hurt
by these decisions?
A quick search of either the Pearl Jam or
Springsteen statement yields responses from
ticket -holders going both ways. Some agree
that the issue is beyond the importance of a
concert and are gladly giving up the chance to
see a concert so a statement can be made,
while others, who may agree with the band's
stance on the issue, feel punished for
something over which they have no control.
These are just people who happen to live in
North Carolina with tickets to a rock show.
I tend to agree with the latter and can
understand why concert -goers are feeling like
collateral damage in a fight that isn't theirs.
And that's why I like what English band
Mumford and Sons did on Monday.
I've written before about Mumford and
Sons. They are very community -minded and
started a series of concerts called Gentlemen of
the Road, aimed at revitalizing once -great
communities and minimizing their profits,
while maximizing those of the communities.
Anyway, Mumford and Sons held their
concert and played music for their fans, but, as
backers of the cause, donated all profits from
their Charlotte, North Carolina performance to
charities also fighting against the bill.
In terms of this cause, it doesn't matter
which side you fall on. The point here is that
while many protest for what they feel is right,
they need to keep their eyes on the prize and
punish the decision -makers, not their fans.