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Home My WebLink AboutClinton News Record, 2014-06-04, Page 1414 News Record • Wednesday, June 4, 2014 CONTINUED FROM > PAGE 12 It still amazes me how secure and confident some people actually think I am! I look no one in the eye for what they may see or dis- cover. I know how to lie to them and myself, I do it all the time. I come across as someone who is strong and powerful, untouched by conflict, tak- ing and needing nothing from no one! To others I can do it all on my own. I make them think I can do it better than anyone else. Inside, the real me exists; imprisoned, terrified, broken, depressed, angry, self-destructive, over- sensitive, numb, anxious, unsure of myself; ashamed and dirty. I trust no one completely and never will. I am scared that I will disap- point someone, anyone, and everyone around me. I fear my feelings. I fear everyone else's feelings. I fear that I am never going to be good enough if the true me emerges! This fear caused me to become victimized emotionally, physically and sexually numerous times throughout my life and into my present life. Being threatened by a gun never to tell anyone all that is deep inside my soul has caused my wounds to fester. I am terrified to tell anyone anything. I fear that they will look into the windows of my soul and they will see the real me, they will see my bat- tered heart and bruised soul growing weary from the fight. They will see that my faith in God has diminished and that I have an inevitable death in my soul. They will think I am just another vic- tim, that I am the one to blame for everything. They will see inside that I am ugly and worthless and reject me. I am terrified of rejection. No one will ever know my internal battle. I will not take that risk. I will recoil and hide and I will live in an empty existence where I will never reach out and trust again. I am safe if I trust no one. It will be much easier to do what I had always done, to be quiet and to be silent and go far in. It hurts much, and sometimes the pain is too much to bear but, I am used to immense pain and if I ignore it then maybe it will go away. I recall a saying that, `the truth shall set me free.' but it seems to have imprisoned me. I will not and cannot uncover the whole truth. It is doubtful. My weak, fragile, trem- bling child within is crying silent tears while outside my masquerade party continues on. My wounds are invisible to the world even though inside they will haunt and torment me for the rest of my life. I will tell them every- thing they want to hear but nothing that is deep within me. I will forge a smile and a laugh that I practiced so well, this is my disguise but will it be my demise? My exterior beauty will hide all that's within. But really, where is beauty? Not in me, not around me, it is nowhere to be found. I am deeply bur- dened by a deep ugly dirty wound. I feel dirty con- stantly. The immense sad- ness I have endured, (I recall reading somewhere) can be compared to that of a severe stinging winter which demolishes all beauty of the earth, and devours every liv- ing creature; for it takes away all sweetness from the soul and renders her disabled in all her faculties. I am disa- bled! Purity and innocence was stolen from me, by many different hands and caused an immense deep wound that feels like it may never be healed. I have tried to band- age up the wound and prayed that it would just go away and for a time it would begin to build a scab but, it inevitably always broke --;14 / 1 fUtF,) 'e %ter .e 7a Vend* at 744e iftea eketek4: Clinton United Church 105 Ontario Street - . Minister Rev. Randy Covey Director of Music: Louise Dockstader Church Office: 519-482-9553 www. c l i n to n u n i to d. ca SUNDAY, JUNE 8 10:30 AM WORSHIP SERVICE INTERGENERATIONAL SERVICE NURSERY & SUNDAY SCHOOL EVERYONE WELCOME Christian Reformed Church 243 Princess St. E., Clinton Pastor Ron Luchies 519-482-5264 SUNDAY JUNE 8, 2014 10:00 AM- Morning Service LORD'S SUPPER 7:00 PM- Evening Service " Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, from everlasting to everlasting." Psalm 106 vs 48 All Visitors Welcome!! St. Paul's Anglican Church A Congregation of the Parish of The Holy Spirit 49 Ontario St. Clinton The Reverend Karine A. Snowdon BA, M.DIV Organist & Choir Master: Dana Prouse SUNDAY JUNE 8 WORSHIP /AT 11:15 AM DAY OF PENTECOST WEAR SOMETHING RED, ORANGE OR YELLOW! EVERYONE WELCOME TO ADVERTISE IN THIS SECTION, PLEASE CALL CHRISTY 519-4$2-3443 cllnton.cIassifieds @ sunmedia.ca BIBLE MISSIONARY CHURCH 35 Toronto Blvd., Vanastra (519) 482-8183 JUNE 8, 2014 Sunday Morning Worship 11:00 AM Sunday Evening Worship 7:00 PM Pastor Josh McCarthy Everyone Welcome! Heartland Community Church (52 Victoria Street, Clinton, Ontario) For information see www.heartlandemc.com Church 519-606-1015 Pastor Charles Gingerich SUNDAY JUNE 8, 2014 10:00 AM FAMILY SERVICE : Worship as a family with us. Then the chil- dren enjoy their program while adults are blessed by a message for them. 7:00 PM SHARE & PRAYER SERVICE Expect a welcome and a blessing! Fellowship Bible Chapel 220 KING ST., LONDESBOROUGH www.fellowshipbiblechapel.ca SUNDAY, JUNE 8, 2014 9:45 am: Breaking of Bread 11:00 am: Family Bible Hour ALL WELCOME! First Baptist Church 85 Huron St., Clinton 482-3598 SUNDAY, JUNE 8, 2014 MORNING SERVICE 10:30AM Lay Pastor - Wally DeWolfe Bible Study Wednesday 7:30 PM wide open and festered and oozed out with more inten- sity and force than before. Countless days of being told that I am worthless... subsequently produced powerlessness. I am afraid of the power of my powerless- ness. I am supposed to over- come this? It has been said, 'time heals all wounds." And in this lay my hope! Hope, but, where is hope; it seems to have slipped away from me. I am supposed to have faith...What is faith? Who is God? WHERE WAS GOD? If God exists WHY was this allowed to happen to me? Courage, where is courage? My Courage turned to fear... fear of the dark, of the light, of my voice, of my feelings. Fear of everything! Fear of becoming vulnerable, fear of trusting anyoneif a blood relative could violate me this way, who on earth could ever be trusted? Would I ever let it all out, all the dirty secrets buried deep within me? Keeping all the agoniz- ing shame hidden deep inside has become toxic and I wanted and tried to end it all many times because I am a victim and suffered so much, maybe I should have been stronger than this? Intuitively to survive, I learned to stop breathing many years ago, then I failed to remember how to breathe....and now in my adult life, I forget to breathe causing a suffocation of my aching, bleeding soul to scream out silently again in the wilderness. The threat to be silent is so powerful that no one will hear everything trapped deep within. This is the vicious cycle of my jour- ney towards healing continues. Opening up and exposing myself, exposing my heart and my soul, my pain and sufferings seems... as over- whelming and excruciating as the wounds inside of me. I am afraid the longer I wait to allow myself to be seen and allow others to come close to my heart, the more I may pull away. I need to believe that it will be safe to trust, that I can shamefully bare my soul in honesty and truth...I am certain this is inevitable, the betrayed little girl within must heal through rebuilding trust and loving herself if she is to somehow be restored. Although, I dare not uncover all and to be honest, I think never will. I realize now that healing is a long diffi- cult road to recovery with many unpleasant things I just didn't realize I would have to lose myself and eve- rything I held dear in the process. I believe that the only way for me to heal is to find a space of safety and ref- uge, a safe haven, where I, the victim, could have a safe place to bleed and be assured of complete trust and confidentiality, a place where the healing journey would lead to a life 'Full of Hope. I seem to be torn between doubting and trusting, between love and hate, between forgiveness and resentment. Is there a place in between? I don't know. I do know it's time to end my masquerade party and release the stone masks that I shudder behind and con- front my world of uncer- tainty and fear, panic and doubt. This is the moment to stop guarding myself and hiding behind defensive games This will be my freedom from mywalls and a declara- tion to myself that I am valu- able, that I am worthy, that I am lovable, that I am power- ful, that my body belongs to me! CONTINUED > PAGE 20 KiI:04' FAL,'i'P J RMS-AJ}.i'73A MI 21X.P.I7N DIRECT TO YOU A COMPLETE LINE OF CASUAL FURNITURE TO COMPLIMENT ALL AREAS OF YOUR HOME For outdoors, patios garden areas, sunrooms MONDAY - FRIDAY 9:00 - 5:00 SATURDAY 10:00 - 4:00 Highway 83 E. of Grand Bend 519-238-2110 www.gocasual.ca